A short fling

I have just experienced a short-lived relationship. I first developed a crush on this guy right after the toll just as you leave Illinois towards Wisconsin on 94. He passed me as I was about to pass the person ahead of me - and then - get this - he moved into the middle lane!

That's right - he was not a left-lane-lingerer.

Since he was moving about the same speed I wanted to go, I edged in behind him. Each time he passed a car he would return to the center lane - using that left hand lane as the passing lane (as it should be). I would follow behind him anywhere -

well, not quite. We parted ways because he insisted on going around the city of Milwaukee while I very much needed to go into it.

*Sigh*

He was cute and early-30s too.

Waging Tongues

Received an e-mail yesterday from someone who had been an intern at my congregation almost 30 years ago and who is now an assistant to a bishop in another synod that said "I hear you are doing great things at Unity." Received an e-mail today from a seminary professor that said "I have heard great things about your ministry." This afternoon I talked to an intern at another congregation in town who said "members of my congregation are friends with members of your congregation and they say that you are doing a wonderful job."

Why does all of this make me nervous?

I also feel some pride and encouragement with these declarations. But, it does make me wonder, "Who is talking?"

Frustrations & Guilty Feelings

Sometimes it just feels like all the chaos of the congregation I serve falls on top of me - and I can't handle it. At 6:45 tonight, it happened. The industrial freezer in the kitchen broke, the 2 people who are supposed to monitor the building during the Clinic (that just opened its doors) each had life situations that made it impossible for them to stay, the kids who are staying in our building arrived, almost all of the lights in both women's bathrooms were reported out, a few individuals from the soup kitchen "needed" to chat with me, and I was late in setting up our Wednesday communion service.

I was short with the soup kitchen volunteer who discovered the freezer and will need to call him tomorrow. He won't hold the grudge, but I still feel badly. I called the property chair and passed all the building stuff to him (who graciously arrived quickly - and he regularly repeats to me that he is there to support me), slipped out of the conversations with the soup kitchen guests, asked a soup kitchen volunteer to cover the office, and arrived at the worship service 2 minutes prior to 7, having found almost everything set up by the attendees.

Sometimes this job is just so heavy. And, I wonder how I'm supposed to move anything ahead when I'm frustrated by the amount with which I'm just trying to keep up.

I suppose I should take into consideration that I've had two key funerals, a wedding and a renewal of vows all in the last week. I suppose I should take into consideration the fact that the last full day I had off was July 4th. I suppose I should take into consideration that some very good things have happened in the last few days - some good things in which I've had key roles.

I have vacation coming up mid-August...and again early October. I'm counting down the days. (14)

Death and Other Losses

I've been pouty and crabby the last few days and I don't like the pouty, crabby Amused.

I've had many funerals in the last year. So many that I'm no long nervous about them. But the funeral tomorrow is different. When I met him a little over a year ago he was a relatively healthy early 70's guy with a constant story and joke. 7 months ago he was diagnosed with cancer. This funeral is different because I walked with him - I knew him. (As did almost everyone in the congregation). And, I too will miss him.

I'm also crabby because I am anticipating other losses. Two of my secular friends leave very soon for a new city. They are the ones that knew me before I was Pastor Amused and with whom I rarely fall into "shop talk." They are the ones that keep in touch with what others my age (without the demanding careers) are like.

We've had 4 20-somethings staying at church all summer through a mission trip organization (they are the staff that hosts between 40 and 70 youth at our church from all over the country to do mission trips). And they leave in a little over a week. It has been so much fun to have them there all the time. Not to mention the ministry they do.

And, my summer roommate will be leaving the same day the mission trip staff do - likely within an hour of each other. We were just talking yesterday about living with people and I freely admit that I do like to live alone - but I am sure going to miss her when she leaves. My house will be more boring, and the possibility of easy conversation at the end of the day gone.

I am pretty good at being the one who leaves. I don't like being the one who stays. And so I'm crabby - and throwing a pity party for myself. It's not at all attractive.

Out of focus

I'm supposed to be writing a sermon. I didn't preach this morning, and I don't preach next Sunday - but I've still got three sermons in the next week and I haven't started any of them - at least not in earnest.

I'm searching - I'm not sure for what. I want something to inspire me - something to excite me. When this happens I spend way too much perusing the internet - hoping that something will interest me - hoping that something will be intriguing.

There is no order to my search - either my internet search for interesting items or my search for the right way to begin any of these sermons. But, I just don't have the energy to narrow my field of vision. I just don't have the urgency to sit down and type out a masterpiece.

I would love for someone else to swoop in and fix it all for me - my boredom and my lack of inspiration.

Saturday Morning Etiquette

This Spring and Summer I've been a fairly consistent runner. I tend to run at lesser populated times - just after the early morning rush during the week, or right at the dinner hour. And for some reason when I've run on Saturdays it's not been good weather.

Today was different - the paths were packed and I crossed paths with families and dogs and bikers and meanderers as well as a few other runners.

In this area, unless the other person avidly avoids eye contact, everyone gives a greeting as you pass one another. Usually I puff out a "hey" or "hi" in my exhale...saving my breath as I trudge along...and that has seemed to be perfectly acceptable - in fact what many other people do.

But, I believe I just discovered a secret that everybody but myself knows - Saturday mornings it is considered proper etiquette to issue an entire "Good Morning" to all you meet. Even as bikers race by a "good morning" is tossed back. If you pass families ambling down the path it's proper to greet each single person - one "good morning" for the group is quite rude.

Near the beginning of my run, as I discovered this "good-morning-itis" I started to stretch my "hey" to "hey-llo" and near the end I actually started to say "good morning."

I no longer blink when someone calls a drinking fountain a "bubbler" or an ATM machine a "tyme machine" (no, not time machine...which is what I thought they were saying - Tyme is the brand name, like Kleenex is to tissue). I'm getting used to and even picking up some of the idiosyncrasies of the area - but, I guess there are some things yet to discover.

Good Morning.

Cake for Dinner

I really enjoy living alone. I've had some great roommates (and I don't just say that because Belle and Meckhead will read this, but because it's true - they're amazing!). But it's nice to have my own place, to know that I can come home and be a hermit, or leave the dishes in the sink, or clean something spotless and know it'll stay that way until I dirty it. I really enjoy living alone, but everything is good in moderation.

I have a roommate for 7 weeks this summer. A friend of my sister's is taking an intensive graduate program (her MFA - Masters of Fine Arts) - and is in the 1st summer of the program. She moved into my spare bedroom a little over a week ago and I am so glad that she is here.

It was nice as I heard of my grandpa's death and then leaving in a hurry for the visitation and funeral, to know that someone was here and would be here. It's been nice on the day-to-day to know that my house will not be empty when I come home. We have fun together and talk easily with one another.

Of course, there is the perk of the food. My new roomie loves to cook - and bake. It's a great deal, really, 'cause I don't mind the cleaning up. Plus, since she's vegetarian, and her profession requires care for the body, much of the food she makes is loads healthier than what I would make. Except for the cake.

And that's what I had for dinner - cake with delicious chocolate frosting. And a good sized glass of milk. This roommate thing really has its perks!

Oxytocin and Grief

Sometime I need to keep track of phone calls from friends. Not necessarily who calls and why, but the patterns and times. I've wondered for some time if my friends all had some secret spidey sense that told them they should call me because often I'll go a couple of weeks without a call and then in three days I'll hear from 8 friends. It's not like it only happened once or twice - this has been a fairly regular pattern.

In today's "Lifestyle" section of the paper there is a rather long article originally from the Los Angeles Times entitled "The resilient sex gets boosts from biology, behavior" talking of women's biological and sociological aptitude for caring for oneself and each other. (Strange that this article is on Father's Day - the entire rest of the paper seems to be about people's relationships with their Dads). Here's an excerpt:

"The female instinct to call in the helper troops, that network of girlfriends, sets up a chemical cycle unique to women. When females fee stress, Taylor (a social neuroscientist from the University of California - LA) says, the hormone oxytocin is released. That encourages them to protect the kids and start the telephone tree. Contact with children or friends releases more oxytocin, further calming them and everyone around them. The hormone works better at reducing stress for women, Taylor says, because estrogen apparently enhances the action of oxytocin, while testosterone seems to reduce its effect."

I want to keep tract of those phone calls because I almost wonder if there isn't something else - some sense of connection when people are thinking of someone or need a friend.

This week was one of those weeks with lots of calls. And, I am glad to have had them - because it meant that I went into Saturday night and Sunday with more strength and I suppose more oxytocin. You see, my grandpa died peacefully last night at 9:30pm. And, even though I haven't called to specifically tell anyone about it, I feel supported by those friends who I've talked to in the last week or so.

My grandpa was ready to go - he really didn't wake up the entire day yesterday. And not only do I firmly believe he is with God, but he believed it too, and was eager for it.

I'm sad, and I cry a bit because it means that life will change and I will miss him. But, I know that my family will be okay - that my grandma will be okay - she is an incredibly capable person - and has a good network of family and friends.

And, I'm glad that I have a good network - surrounding me in thoughts, prayers and the occasional phone call.

Perspective from the Pew

Just got back from my 1st-year review with the call committee, the council and the assistant to the bishop. And, I needed that to help put things in perspective.

What I got from it is that people aren't seeing all of the effort I put in because it seems that what I'm doing comes naturally. People haven't thought that my sermons have gone downhill since Lent...it's just what I think. People in fact think they can see a steady improvement. Huh.

And, they think I've been wonder woman and gotten things in order. Because people are working together and are feeling like we're doing something good. Because the building is being used and more people are coming to worship.

It was good for me to share with them, though, that I'm not as confident as I come across. It was good for me to share with them that I'm not sure what people are getting from my sermons because often people don't comment and when they do it's "good sermon" with no elaboration on the message. It was good for me to hear that I could be even more pointed and push them more - and that some of them, at least, would appreciate it - and that they would all back me up...maybe not so much in the issue, but that it is my role to do so.

The comment that made me smile the most came from one of council members reconnaissance missions as he overheard some members talking about me and jotted a few notes. They mentioned that they like my singing voice and that my sermons are to the point, but one comment was "She really listens...she doesn't always agree with you, but what can you expect?"

I am thankful that someone at least feels heard. Because I wonder as I dash around and try to juggle everything, as I get frustrated and impatient - I wonder how to give the appropriate time to things and if I delegate my time appropriately.

And, I'm glad that they know I'm going to speak my opinion. Even if it is different than their own.

More on eyes and grandpas

My eye is indeed black. After the puffiness went down, I've got a nice black streak underneath it. Fortunately, my glasses help to disguise it.

This morning I helped move my grandpa from the hospital to the hospice room of a local nursing home. He's the same guy - social, love to philosophize and tell people things. But, he's tired. He frequently needs to close his eyes to rest for a few minutes.

As I sat with him I found myself closing my eyes for a few minutes too. I'm not sick, but I am tired - and my eyes closed easily.

My grandpa's pastor came in about an hour before I had to leave this noon. I was glad of that. I felt that I needed someone to read Psalm 121 and pray. I'm glad I was there.

The car ride back home was long and exhausting. And, my eyes are red and puffy again - from crying this time, not from the injury. I look a mess. But, with perspective, I'm doing alright.

Prayers for my grandpa are appreciated though.

Automatic Shut-off...and on

My grandpa is dying.

He was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago which they thought was contained within a small area. Last week they discovered that it was all over his system.

It was my congregation's 75th anniversary celebration this week. It was a huge to-do. It was also synod assembly. So, I've not had a day off in over 2 weeks (didn't even take Memorial Day off...although I did work less (only 6 hours). And, this past week I've been pulling frequent 10, more frequent 12 hour+ days.

So, I haven't really had time to think about my grandpa. I've been a bit stoic and brushing away emotion that comes with knowing that I'm going to miss him. I cried a little the first night I found out, and a little last night, but I think last night had as much to do with all of the stress from the 75th.

Today, cleaning up after the celebration I gave myself what may very well turn into a black eye by bending down too quickly in a darkened room to pick something up and whacking myself right on the cheekbone, near my nose and eye.

And, I cried. I sobbed like a baby in that darken stairwell with my parishioners just outside.

And after I made it to my office with ice, I sobbed some more.

I needed that.

Now, my emotions can be more normal.

Staying Power

Last year I was so looking forward to being settled. And, it hasn't really happened yet.

This is the first time in a long time that I am not packing up and getting ready to move at the beginning of the summer - or looking towards the quickly approaching time that I will leave.

In all my moving around I've formed good friends, but always with the understanding that I would be leaving. Now, I'm someplace to stay (for a while at least) and I'm still feeling somewhat separated.

That's my way of explaining the funk I've been in lately. Really, I'm lonely. And, I'm not sure where I'm headed. Or, what I want to do about almost anything.

There is something in me that is rebelling against staying. It takes boldness and strength to stay. I'm going to - I just don't want to put the energy to creating a healthy living situation...because, well - I'm not so good at creating community for myself (even though I think I'm pretty great at helping others to do it).

What I'd really like would be to have a magic wand waved over my life, to have ready made community, a less-stressful role at work (not a different role...just less-stressful), whatever it is that makes exercising fun for some people in me, and a romantic relationship with a wonderful guy.

Why is everything so much work?

100th Post

According to the dashboard count, this is my 100th posting on my blog. Is there going to be a shower of confetti or should I give out ridiculously expensive prizes to all my listening audience? It seems as if it should be a profound post that leaves y'all contemplating the myteries of life.

I do like marking occasions. I like birthdays and weddings. I like honoring achievement. But, profundity is not in the cards for this day.

But, I suppose that is appropriate. On this quiet blog, a quiet celebration. The purpose of this blog isn't to change the world or to do anything other than to help organize my thoughts and feelings and share them with some trusted friends (and those who find me). And, it's to keep me grounded.

Has it done this? I think it has - forcing me or rather giving me the opportunity to put gut feelings and thoughts into framed words and paragraphs. The Primary Wonder that God is sustaining me in all of the chaos continues to be the base of me - and of this blog.

Throw some confetti if you wish - I'm marking this 100th post with, well, this post.

Just a Few Minutes

I have just a few minutes to be home today. And, while I don't have anything that I really want to do while I'm here at home (although my dishes are calling to me), and lots to do at work...I don't want to go back until I have to.

This morning was a hard one, for no real reason. But, after just a few minutes with some smart colleagues, the day became better. I just needed to get out of my self-pity party (that really has no reason other than hormones) and into doing what I really do love.

I was about to leave the office at 3 today, but was running just a few minutes late. Good thing I was, because my 3:15 appointment that I was reminded about yesterday, showed up 5 minutes early. I'm working with a boy scout as he earns his faith badge or something. (Isn't there something a little wrong about earning a badge for faith?) It was a fun teaching hour - that I hadn't prepared for at all, but with just a few minutes of looking over the material, I was ready.

In college, my friend Kate and I made a list of things you could do in a 20 minute window. We realized that almost everything of any importance could happen in 20 minutes. I don't need that list now to fill my time (not that I did when I was in college, it was just a random conversation that I'm so good at having), but I do sometimes stand in the middle of a room with just a few minutes in which to fill. I think I should add to that list "stare into space and daydream."

No vacation for the mind

I'm on vacation in times past.

Visiting my brother in CA, at his volunteer house brings me back to my volunteer year - at least at the beginning of it before we stopped trying. (It was hard w/ only two - and neither of us came at this thing naturally, so we composted, we recycled, we didn't buy things with lots of packaging, but we didn't really challenge each other about other habits).

My mind has been racing in the last few days because it feels like certain decisions have to be made. Intentionality of work, of carrying out vision, of living in the world. Between talking at a fundraising dinner for my seminary, continuing ed at a clergy event for faith-based community organizing, and coming to crash and be hosted by my brother's volunteer house makes me realize habits I've fallen into, and how I'm juggling different world realities and visions. I wonder how they can be managed together - and the contradictions of living in these different worlds.

But, I'm on vacation. My mind may not stop racing, but I can at least allow myself to be distracted by the sights of San Francisco.

Suffering Sermons

(The title should be said in the manner of the Warner Brothers cartoon character lisping "suffering sucatash")

I preached my last sermon (knock on wood) until Mother's Day. That's right. I've got next Sunday off and the 7th is Youth Sunday in which one of the youth is going to preach. (I feel semi-nervous about that because I've tried to set up appointments to meet with me so I can help him - taking my call to Word and Sacrament seriously - and I'm leaving town on Tuesday. I have already mentioned to the youth director that next year it will be the expectation that the preaching youth speak with me as they prepare the sermon).

Anyway - I've got 21 days until I preach again - it's amazing!

In some of my recent ponderings I've been so very amazed at the power I've been given. How many other people are given the opportunity to present ideas to a captive (ok, maybe only semi-captive) audience weekly? How many other people get to guide people as they think about their lives? It's an amazing privilege. And, an intimidating responsibility.

A responsibility that I'm glad to be free of for a short time, but that I'm sure I'll be glad to pick up again. I need a break. My sermons have been suffering for a lack of a break - for a lack of hearing others preach.

Rest, mind, rest.

Me

I feel a little like I'm gonna burst, but I'm not sure with what.

I'm exhausted.

I love Holy Week. I love Easter. I really do love my job (why am I always surprised by that?).

Funeral tonight - I'm really just the collar. Didn't need anything else. Really didn't need to be there except that it's only proper to have a pastor there.
Sobs for the 77 yr old woman who suffered from Alzheimers for the last 5 years. All I knew of her was these last 9 months - not good ones for her - where she couldn't even lift her head on her own.

I have so much fun with the funeral home guys. Is that wrong? Almost all of them have new babies or their wives are pregnant. I wonder if being involved in the business of death makes you feel the need to repopulate.

I'm exhausted.

Drinking last of a bottle of wine (gotta finish it up) and finishing off the last of my girl scout cookies. (Why does it turn into a gorge-fest every time I open up those boxes?)

Got an e-mail today from a parishioner detailing his Lenten experience. Amazingly, the services to him weren't all about the tasks and the details - he actually got the theology behind everything. My eyes water every time I think of that e-mail. (He even quoted the main point of my Easter sermon!)

Spiritual direction today helped me to spurt out everything that I've been experiencing. It felt so safe. And, helped me realize that God is within it all.

My plane takes off for California (and my brother) in one week and 10 hours.

Am I going to make it? I feel like I'm going to burst.

Tomorrow - with the only must do the committal. Feels good.

Sleep, will come tonight - it must...and if it doesn't come early I can sleep in.

I love my people - my congregation. The interactions, the energy, the care they give one another and me. I wouldn't get rid of one of them (at this time...even my alligator is turning out to be more of a flea than an alligator). And so many are in pain. So many are dealing with things so much bigger than what I'm personally dealing with. And they come to me. They share with me. They look for me to help them see how God is involved. And, I love them. And I cry when I think about it.

This is me. These are my thoughts at the moment. In a couple of minutes I'm going to completely turn off and become one with one of those detective shows on tv. I don't know which one - whichever one is on and gets good reception.

Free to Worship

After Thursday evening and Friday evening services, after an entire day at church with an amazing work crew (cleaning and decorating for tomorrow) - I got my worshipful experience.

I got to be one of two "storytellers" in a friend's Easter Vigil - and I got out of it way more than I put in it.

After thinking about it for a little while, I realized, even though I was up front and involved in most parts of the service - I had very little responsibility. It was so nice just to sink into the role.

No one asking any last minute questions. No concern about what to do if so-and-so (who always comes late) was going to show up in time to fulfill his/her duty. No annoying "Pastor, Pastor, Pastor" from people who just don't understand that three minutes prior to worship is not a good time to ask questions or get into a deep dicussion.

I felt so free. Free to worship. Free from worry and from expectations.
Thanks, Sue.

Death and Taxes....New Life and Tax Accountants?

What cruel machinations
allow the most holy of holy days,
the celebration of the Risen One!
the vigil of Easter
(and the day we clean and decorate the church)
to coincide with the day of stress and scramble
that is TAX DAY?

(And why did it have to happen this first year that I'm figuring out Estimated Tax and the perks of the biz)

My aura is BLUE

Confidential to Belle: Got this from your site - As I took it I had this unreasonable fear that I was going to come out as red or something. Tehe.

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura?

Darn right, I'm changin'

"Don't ever change." Words that make me cringe. Words that I heard twice this week from people with whom I'd just challenged or disagreed with, but who said them out of respect.

I'm relatively happy with who I am. I don't anticipate any major upheaval or need for a complete makeover. Sure, I've got things about myself that bug me. I'd love to be able to have a clear head at all times (I think it's been foggy more frequently than clear in the last month). I'd love to be 5'8" and never have to worry about fly-aways. But, I'm fairly happy with who I am (and often enjoy being shorter). I can laugh at my semi-ditziness, I can pull my hair back when it bugs me. I feel good about who I am.

But, I don't want to stay the same.

What is behind these individual's saying this? Is it that they think they have me figured out? Isn't it more that they don't want their perceptions of me to change? If I showed them a different side of me (say, the whiny, needy side) would they think I have changed?

Do they expect to change? Why would they wish stagnancy on me? Why would they want my growth in faith, love, maturity, person to stop?

I know, I know. They're paying me a compliment. They are telling me that they appreciate who I am. But, a key part of who I am is the self-awareness and desire to evaluate and change. I know, they don't know me very well. And that's ok. But, I swear...I'm preaching a sermon on this someday.

Gestation

I'm about a week overdue for my 9 month reflection (and 3 months and a week late for my 6 month). I've got birthing on the brain - a good friend just had a baby and I'm greatly enjoying the pictures I get fairly frequently, the annunciation of Mary was Saturday ('cause Jesus' gestation was exactly 9 months...and he was, of course, born on December 25th). When people have asked me how long I've been at my call I respond 9 months and every time I think about pregnancy.

These last couple months, my work has begun to show. Well, I'm not sure that it's my work necessarily, but the work that is being done while I'm there. I think I do have something to do with it - I'm sticking it out. Because of me we have moved forward in some areas. I'm working to make connections and form relationships. And, worship attendance is up. People are responding to the call to be involved in particular areas of my congregation's ministry. Conflict is present, but doesn't overwhelm everything. At this point, it feels like those first few months of sickness was worth it (more evening sickness than morning, because of all the meetings) (August and September, my 3rd and 4th months were really difficult).

I don't have an analogy for labor and childbirth itself...I don't begin to think that what I do is anywhere near as amazing and physically painful.

And, right about there, my analogy ends. At least for now...'cause I've got other things to do. Any other ways to connect pregnancy with pastoral ministry?

About Face

As of 5pm this evening I had 3/4ths maybe almost 7/8ths of a sermon. I took a break, did the crossword puzzle, and was struck with inspiration. Unfortunately, it was a completely different direction.

So, at about 6pm, I started my second sermon for tomorrow. It's now 9pm, and although I spent 1/2 as much time on this one, it is by far a better sermon.

I need some time between the writing and the editing - so it'll be a rush tomorrow morning to edit. But, I feel so much better about what I have now versus what I had before. I don't want to do it this way every week though.

Now, it's time for some much needed rest.

Urgent Care

*A grand voice booms from above*
It's officially spring and you, Amused, have made it through the entire winter without so much as a cold. Congratulations. Your prize is right behind that door right there.
*I respond*
The one right there that is shaped like a nose?
*Booming voice*
Yes, why don't you open it up and see what you've won!
(As I slowly open the door the voice gets even grander)
A brand new Sinus Infection!

I just found my new favorite short cut - Urgent Care. I spent 20 minutes waiting to make a doctor's appointment on the phone this morning before I had to leave. I spent just 30 minutes at the urgent care place - registered, seen by nurse, seen by doctor, prescriptions, outta there. The doctor even apologized because she saw a person who came in after me before me.

I'm not complaining about my own doctor's office. They are very nice there - and I know Monday mornings are the busiest (at least they were at the pharmacy I worked at in high school). But I was amazed at the ease and the amount of good care I received just by walking in.

And now I've got my antibiotics and my funky nose spray (I'm not so sure about that). And, according to my doctor I won't be contagious tomorrow (too bad for the suckers in the council meeting tonight - most of them are young...they'll live).

Last year if I had the same symptoms, I would just stick it out and have my body fight it off by itself. But, now I feel like I need to not pass anything on. It was especially noticeable when I made sure I didn't touch the man going through chemotherapy and some of the older members. I washed my hands thoroughly before communion (after sharing the peace) and was very conscious of whether I coughed or sneezed the entire day.

I'm glad I'm medicated now - because I have two people I need to visit in the hospital tomorrow as well as all the ladies at the Senior Center tomorrow. I don't want the care I give to cause another to have to go to Urgent Care themselves.

Against the Odds on War

When the current war broke out I was prepared. I had been part of a group in seminary that had planned a worship service and made it be known that we would hold a worship service on the eve of a US attack. Our group was not only a bunch of idealistic seminary students, staff and faculty, but also included people studying to be chaplains and people who had been in the service. (Although our quota of "make love, not war" demonstrators was easily fulfilled...over and over again).

There were a couple of us who had been pegged for worship leadership - depending on when it happened, and I just happened to be the one who was able to do it. Our make-shift chapel was full - full of many for whom it was an ethical issue, and many for whom it was a personal fear for loved ones.

Today's paper contains articles about people in towns that have previously supported the war now putting forth referendums to call for a pull out. I waiver back and forth between feeling that there are some instances where war is necessary (just war and all that jazz) and feeling like there never should be war. But, I protested in the streets of Chicago against this war. I signed petitions against the war and wrote letters (ok, maybe a letter - I've never been very good at writing letters anyway). But, this is where I become more moderate and dare I say it even conservative? I don't think we should have gone in there in the first place, but now that we're there (at least not the way we did) ...now that we've violently and without remorse put our agenda in motion...now that we've disrupted lives - don't we have some responsibility?

I think it would be even worse if we were to just leave - to say "Our people back home don't support this, we're going back." Even if there is the inevitability of civil war prior to or once we leave, I think we need to be extremely intentional about our pull out - and I don't think that can happen with deadlines.

I read something in Time magazine yesterday about a veteran running for a political position with the Democratic party. His suggestion is for every Iraqi (military section...what is that called...battalion? I don't know...I'm clueless) that is ready, a US one leaves. He says that Bush claims there are 50 Iraqi troop groups (okay, I can use that phrase) ready and that if they were truly ready we would be able to pull out 50 US troop groups. I like that. It both exposes political spin and is a legitimate way to work towards pulling out that doesn't just leave people blowing in the wind or under (as much) threat of the next renegade group that wants power.

So, I'm not completely uneducated about this, but neither am I polished in knowing what should happen. I have just found that my views seem to always be at some odds with the public cry. When we went to war, I cried against it - and I was not alone...in fact, I was well surrounded by others who strongly believed the same. But, there were some relationships that were a bit strained.

Now that many more are calling for a pull out, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just not seeing the whole picture, or maybe I'm claiming too much responsibility, or maybe I just like to be contrary. I don't know - but I'm thinking about it.

Today's Moments of Grace

Surprises all over today.

* I woke up rested, not groggy.
* Even though it was a very full day, nothing frazzled me today.
* Over 15 kids came up for the children's sermon.
* We were two crumbs short of running out of communion bread.
* The 16 year old soloist during the offering.
* The 7 inquisitive kids (8 and 10 year olds) who came to communion class...I love teaching that age!
* The full adult Bible Study that took off - how do we define suffering? And, depending on how we define it, is it what we are called to?
* The extremely quick Outreach meeting.
* The other soccer players (kids and adults) chanting "Pastor. Pastor. Pastor!" to get me out to play and then again when I made a goal. (I would only play with the older players...with my luck and clumsiness I'd clock one of the little kids and they'd forever be saying "When Pastor kicked me or knocked me down..."

But the best one: the ladies at coffee hour put aside cookies and cake for me because they know I never make it there before the end...and they tasted good!

Astrology and Phone calls

"Don't sit there wasting all the wonderful things available to you - put the melancholy attitude to rest. Motivation is all it will take to make your life better." Well, shoot- I didn't know my life was all that bad. According to my horoscope for the year, I've got to buck up and deal. The other part - the one for all other Pisceans is even a little worse: "You may be fooling yourself but you aren't fooling anyone else." As I've stated before, I don't believe in horoscopes, but I do like to read them. Usually they're fun. Today, not so much.

I think this has been my quietest birthday, and that has been nice. I'll be having a party on Friday, which will really be when I celebrate, but today was nice. I got home after a nice evening of dinner and drinks with friends and friends of friends to a random selection of phone calls. A coupla "happy birthday songs" (thanks, Belle - we'll talk soon), a parishioner who I spent some time with today who went home and read in his church newsletter (that arrived today) that it was my birthday (the biggest joy for me out of this is that it means at least someone reads the newsletter!), my sis, and a woman who for the life of me I can't figure out who she is. She called me by my first name and said that she was calling to set up a meeting over a meal with me and that she would try me at church tomorrow. I can't figure it out...and that is fun for me.

I think it's the mystery that I like - the not quite getting what this horoscope is supposed to mean in my life, and the mystery of someone that I don't know. I love to feel curious.

Stomping my foot and pouting

I just don't want to - it's Sunday morning, I'm ready to head over to church for the morning. It'll be a lovely service - some good hymns, a children's sermon that might actually fly, a healing service. It's not the service I don't want to do - it's the sermon. It's written...it's probably pretty decent...I'm not sure - I've only read it through once. I just don't want to practice it. I'm bored by it. Where's the good news for me? I've been studying and thinking and everything I come up with are my own rationalizations. I want something inspiring for me this Sunday morning. I want to be fed...and not by my own words. And, not by something I've read...but something that someone tells me.

This sermon I'm supposed to preach matters - there are people who want to hear it, there might even be some who need to hear it. I know it's not all about me and my intelligence...thank God for that! But, at the same time, if I don't stop this little tantrum and read through it, God can't use my words and my gifts.

So, tantrum over. Fine *slumps in her chair and takes a deep breath* I'll go practice my sermon and then go to church. But, I don't wanna.

Ashed Together

Coming home with ashes on my forehead I had a sad realization: in my year of so many "firsts" I don't really get to share them with anybody. Sure, I call of different people here and there, but there is no one at home for me to just come home and say "hah - well, I learned what to do next year" or "that just felt so good."

I don't say this to have people feel sorry for me or to elicit any response, but just to share it. My friends and parents hear a lot of what happens. But, it takes that phone call. Meckhead, it's not quite like the wilderness you experienced that you'll be writing about, but the isolation is perhaps somewhat similar.

For now, since this is one way to relieve some isolation, I'm going to share in the blogosphere: my first Ash Wednesday as a solo pastor was very moving. I didn't have any other worship assistants prior to this evening, but people stepped up. Marking ash crosses on people between the age of 1 and 89 was amazing. Recognizing that those on the ends are closest to the dust of which we speak - as God's good creation and as the promise of the return of the earthly body to the earth. I was struck by the people who came from the soup kitchen - and the grace to look into their eyes as I marked their foreheads and handed them the body. How meaningful to touch each of these (58...we ran out of bulletins!) children of God, my hand on their heads, my thumb to their foreheads. The beauty of the church at night, and the gorgeous prelude the organist played.

But then, there's the person who runs hot/cold. There are periods of time where this person is supportive and complimentary. But then there are periods, like this last week 1/2, where the person is critical and accusatory. It's challenging to respond with consistency, but I try. I think I succeeded tonight and some of the discontent was allayed.

And then there is the "huh - I don't like it, but I'm not going to change it" parts - like the fact that the seniors have an "Ash Tuesday" (after which I removed the ashes from my forehead) and that they would like communion during every Tuesday Lenten service - but to still have each service be 1/2 an hour (minus the time it takes to get situation...I should really plan on 25). But, just because I don't want to do it doesn't mean I shouldn't. It's less work to do what they expect right now. Next year, after building it up a bit, we'll possibly change it.

So, those are my thoughts this night.

Integrity's Downfall

I'm pretty good at faking it 'til I make it. When I took piano lessons as a youth I never practiced - I sight read at my lessons. (How much better I would have been had I practiced!) Sometimes my piano teacher caught on, but other times I was able to fool her. This ability is partly why I've survived (and dare I say - succeeded?) this year.

Integrity is important to me. I want to be true to myself and others. I want to be fully who I am - in fact that is why I sometimes think I'm not so good at telling stories. I second guess my facts out loud as I go: "I flew into Minneapolis on Sunday...or maybe it was Monday...and as I went through the metal detectors the alarm went off - because of my shoes - is it the toe or the heel? And the customs agent - or what is their title? - well, the guy there - just waved me through."

So - that's made up (I must say so that no one thinks otherwise). But, it's like I have my own conversation with myself as I go. There is something in me that says "You must get the facts straight!"

(That brings me to an aside - as an Resident Assistant (RA) in college, the staff of my dorm took the Myers-Briggs personality indicator (or whatever the correct name is) and a favorite quote of that year came as I noticed one of my colleague's results were incredibly high in each of her areas and I exclaimed "You are so much what you are!" I want to be so much what I am, I guess - whatever that is.)

So, bring that in to last night. I was invited to a "woman's dinner and conversation" by an ecumenical colleague of mine. Many, but not all, of the other women there are in some form of chaplaincy ministry. There were also others who had other passions and roles in life - but ministry talk invades a room if each person is not diligent in keeping it out. I was the youngest by far, and while I was warmly welcomed and included, I felt disconnected.

I believe there was some intentional space creating last night - so as to lead to an elevated experience. A celebration of women. A time to share in the wonder of being strong and female. And it felt FALSE.

Oh, I was able to fake it for some of the time, but I started hating myself for letting go of my integrity of sharing emotion. It would have been just plain rude if I had shared what I was thinking...but I didn't have to play along as much as I did - I could have kept silent more than I did.

When we were to go around the table sharing "how we came" I did so. When we were to go around (again) sharing what we were taking with us, I did so. I shared stories - stories that were not completely true. I even jumped in on the eye-roll worthy poem the host had us create together (and - I love poetry...so it wasn't that it was poetry - just the theme that was eye-roll worthy). I was able to play the game of that night (participating in the false atmosphere). But, I don't feel good about it.

I did have a lovely time talking to some of those women and finding out about them. I would very much enjoy further conversation with them. But, I would need to find some way of standing with my integrity of what I feel the power of women is versus what we were celebrating as the power of women. It's a generational thing, I know. I would bet that some of the other women were profoundly moved last night.

I just wished I had been more myself - rather than faking it.

Mixing it up

So far, in my 8 months on the job, I have only twice received non-emergency type phone calls at home. I take that back, I have received a couple phone calls from people I asked to call to let me know that they received my message (ie. like the person who picked up the sub sandwiches for last week's council retreat). But, up until this morning I've not had too much of an overlap of off time and work time.

I got going this morning rather early. Well, I guess that depends on your definition of "got going." My "got going" meant that by 8:30am I had already made coffee as well as a new playlist with the music on my computer. Not necessarily a high-importance "got going," but I was doing more than laying like a log in bed.

And so, by the time the first phone call came this morning - at 9:15 - I had already started some laundry, eaten breakfast, and was in the middle of the movie section of the paper. A phone call by the very excited great-grandparent of the baby to be baptized on Sunday (the baby's mother called me yesterday saying that she'd like to talk about publicly affirming her faith, ie. confirmation). So, this great-grandmother was very excited because she wants to bring flowers. Ok, we figured out who would be at church on Saturday with a key to get to the vases. Check.

Strange, I thought. But, not too strange. Just an excited great-grandmother.

So, when 5 minutes later the phone rang again, I expected another questions from the same woman. Well, the not-very-grandmotherly voice (considering it was male and much younger), asked for Pastor Amused. I though - uh-oh...someone died.

No, it turns out that I accidentally gave my home number instead of the church number to the youth mission trip organizers that may be using our church building this summer to house kids. Now, I've known that I walk the line sometimes between confusing home things and work things. I mean, how many times have I tried to open my apartment door with my church key?

But, to give out my home phone number - when I fully intended to give my church number - geez! My home number is out there - obviously. And, I would hope that people have it for those times when someone unexpectedly goes into the hospital or dies. But for paperwork crap? Not necessary.

Well, it all works out alright. Because I needed to make sure I remembered to call said mission-trip-organizer a call, I called the church to leave myself a message. And, surprisingly someone picked up. It was the woman who I was going to ask to get the flower supplies ready - and the person who I've asked to check to see if she had supplies for this Sunday's children's sermon.

So, flowers are taken care of. Message regarding hosting the church is taken care of. Children's sermon is taken care of.

For it being my day off, I've sure accomplished a lot. O well - pure frivolity (well, in the form of taxes, more laundry and the gym...but I'm seriously considering buying an I-Pod today) the rest of the day.

Mistake Magnified

I've had a good pastoral week. I led a very positive and well-received retreat today. I've got some good stuff going on tomorrow. But there is a major mistake in the bulletin and I'm frustrated by it. It's a new Hymn of Praise that the organist and I are introducing, and it is not right in the bulletin. ARRGH!

It seems that much worse because there are 125 copies of it floating around.

Shared Interest

I feel boring. I'm not bored. I just feel boring.

It feels like the interesting things that happen in my life are things that I can't talk about. And, the things that I can talk about aren't so interesting.

Some part of it is probably that lately the most interesting things have had to do with work, and even if they aren't confidential, then they certainly aren't interesting to other people.

While I'm not sure that I want too much to happen to make me interesting, I just want to be able to share what is already interesting about me - and I'm not sure how to do that.

Well, how's that for talking in circles?

Mooney

The moon is striking tonight - a gift to those who might take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather on this traditionally romantic evening. Big, full, yellow, low in the sky. It seemed like a moon from an entirely different season - like it should have been an indicator of late September or early May.

I'm intrigued by the pull of the moon. Yesterday was one of those days that all sorts of things happen out of the ordinary. Multiple incidences that required firmness and calmness. Everyone just seemed to be ancy and ready to jump out of their skins. And I don't work with nearly the population that I did at the homeless shelter!

Today, I caught it a little, quickly losing patience with people and inanimate objects alike. It was also a day to not accomplish much. Oh well - in some ways that means that when I come home with goals to do laundry and go through my papers I am ready to do it - because then I can at least accomplish something.

Less of a Tease

This upcoming weekend I will have two first dates - both for coffee - both at the same local coffee house chain, although different locations. At one time it was possible that they would both have been on the same day. Other than that - I think they are both completely different guys.

This isn't a tease, but I don't really want to go into a ton of detail. So - these are the facts. My feelings on this, though, are mine.

A teaser

This weekend gives hope that perhaps my profession and my attached (or non-attached) status may not be completely at odds with each other.

And that's all I'm going to say for right now.

Publicly Private

Since it's a day with few demands (see previous post), I get time to really think. I recently described the beauty of my job as that for people in difficult situations I represent hope and comfort - not because of what I say or do, but because of the role I've been given. This means that when I even just call someone on the phone, there's another presence with us, because a recognition of God is understood (even if I don't say anything). Not that the divine isn't with us when I call up a friend who doesn't see me as pastor - but when I'm that role, that recognition is a bit clearer.

But, that adds another complication - because even though it's not about what I say or do, it is possible for me to represent the downfall of contemporary religion. So many people have been hurt by superhuman expectations and by corruption. So many people have been turned off by piety and hypocrisy.

I think about the choices I make outside of my role as pastor. I don't usually think about "representing" the church and denomination that I do - I just live as I think is important. But, if I royally screwed up, it would hurt more than just the immediate people involved. It's just a matter of determining what "screwing up" is.

I don't toss and turn at night worrying and wondering about my actions, but I do like to ponder this public life that I am living and how my private life might sometimes need to take precedence.

Positively Boring

Mmm, an entire day ahead of me with no schedule, expect to get done the things I want to do.

I've written about seven different things here that I then re-read and discover are completely boring.

I like that I'm boring today - yay!

Crossword Help

I usually enjoy doing the crossword in the paper Fridays through Sundays. Today, however, it's giving me a headache. I'm stuck on a few words that are really driving me nuts! There are six words I cannot get - can you help me out?

Orange variety: O S _ _ E
Supplemented, with "out": E _ _ D
Lettuce type: _ O S
Platonic P: _ H O
Side Conversation: _ _ O S S P _ L _
and
Turn right: _ E _

Usually if I can't get something it's okay. But I feel like I should be able to get these.

My heritage? I'm not so sure.

Following Meckhead, Jessica and Abba, I decided to try my hand, or should I say face, at the web site that tells you which stars you look like (or have a common heritage? Looks can be deceiving).

Here are my somewhat embarrassing totals - with a couple comments.

Janet Leigh (68%) I do believe my mom's sister looks quite a bit like a young Janet Leigh - so I'll take it.

Diane Keaton (49%) It's the glasses.

Andrew Wiles (48%) First reaction - Who? (Answer) Second reaction - a man?!? Again, it's the glasses. Third reaction - Hey, at least he's smart.

Elton John (47%) Hmmm...I just can't win. Janet Leigh was a good start, Diane Keaton is okay. But then Andrew Wiles and now Sir Elton John! It had better get more complimentary!

Katie Holmes (47%) Ok, that's better. I used to find Tom Cruise hot too.

Mia Farrow (46%) Eh, at least she's not a man.

Meryl Streep (44%) Lot's of strong women types in here - are we sure this isn't a personality test?

Celine Dion (42%) This is where I question the whole heritage thing.

Olivia Newton-John (41%) Aww, Sandra Dee!

Michelle Pfeiffer (41%) Phew - so we ended with some attractive women, including Catwoman herself.

Convicted

Thank you, Abba, for asking how the chaos is going. I can honestly say that it continues to go, and that I'm holding up - but I'm totally going to need a nice glass of wine on Sunday afternoon (during a 24 hour break from the chaos).

Some of the things that have added to chaos have been things that have forced me to continue my discernment process. This discernment thing never stops, it just continues. Some of my colleages are suggesting, and I'm asking them to suggest, some possible directions and options for what will shape my ministry. But, that's not all I'm having to discern.

I'm having to discern how much I can say yes to before that yes ends up meaning a no to something else to which I've already committed.

I'm having to discern how much "we've always done it that way" is truth and how much is perception.

I'm having to discern what the consequences might be if we don't do "it" the way "it" has always been done.

I'm having to discern how much to fill people in on of my vision - small steps for some, big picture for others.

I'm having to discern where I really want to put my energy.

Tonight I started a 2 1/2 day Anti-Racism Training. And, as I was sitting there listening to a wonderful woman speak, I started having doubts about the amount of energy I want to put into certain justice issues. I suppose it was a bit of despair of what I will never be able to fully accomplish (as if accomplishing was the point), combined with fatigue, combined with not really knowing where to start in my location (which is one reason to do the training - duh!).

As this evening's session was winding down, we had a short worship service in which this woman first led us in a favorite spiritual "Wade in the Water." As she sang the verse "See that host standin' all in black (God is gonna trouble the water) I'm a leaving and I ain't goin' back"** she looked right at me - held my gaze and smiled. At first I smiled, then I started to tear up, then I had to look down as my face flushed. I am convicted.

I can't go back either. And it's scary. I was not expecting this. But, taking this training (even as introductory as it has been so far) and contemplating other ways to bring justice to the forefront of my ministry, really means that I kinda have to keep wrestling with it. I don't get to stop and say that I don't want to pay attention to injustice today - or that I'll ever finish my work. More discernment.

**I can't find this particular verse in the on-line lyrics pages that I've looked. I can find all of the others she sang, but not that verse. So, these might not be the particular words she sang.

On the Eve of Chaos

Tomorrow starts an incredibly busy and responsibility-laden rest-of-January. And so, I find, I don't want to go to bed. I know once I go to bed that my busy life essentially begins. If I don't go to bed, I get to enjoy these last five days of relative un-busy-ness. However, I also will not get my essential quota of sleep.

Ah well. Responsibility starts now.

The Wonder of Kids - And the Good They Bring

During an extended family Christmas celebration I was somehow singled out by my cousin's 2-year-old son as a safe person. He followed me around a bit, and kept running back to my lap after venturing out (it helped that part of the time I was the lone female in a room full of men who were playing with and teasing him). As I said then, my heart just kept getting bigger and bigger.

I love children. Yet, for some reason my bonds with the children at church haven't gotten very far yet. I think it has something to do with not being quite as reachable as I lead worship and other church activities. I wonder if I am a bit intimidating to them. I also have not had much of a chance to be with them. These last three months I've participated in some of their activities (today we went ice skating - fun!). And, I think that some of these relationships are building. This month a few of the kids were more comfortable than last month. The trust will come - even if the relationship remains one of pastor/parishioner.

But, I miss that complete trust of a 2-year old as he flings his body into my lap and snuggles.

Doubting Thomas

I recently picked up the new Nickel Creek album, "Why Should the Fire Die?" One of the album's songs completely stands out to me - "Doubting Thomas." They lyrics read:

what will be left when i've drawn my last breath
besides the folks i've met and the folks who know me
will i discover a soul cleansing love
or just the dirt above and below me

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

sometimes i pray for a slap in the face
then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward
if there's a master of death i'll bet he's holding his breath
as i show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

can i be used to help others find truth
when i'm scared i'll find proof that its a lie
can i be lead down a trail dropping
bread crumbs
that prove i'm not ready to die

please give me time to decipher the signs
please forgive me for time that i've wasted

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

I think it's the third verse that strikes me. The scariness and awesomeness of this career. The amount of responsibility - that I take this so seriously, but then realizing that it's not all up to me...that I am more than likely getting a whole mess of things wrong. But - I still take up a lead and hope others will follow...not following me to follow me, but to figure out the way(s) to follow another.

While I rarely feel quite the extent of the uncertainty as the lyricist, there are times that are hard to say what I believe. But then I fall back on what I promised to teach and preach and sometimes it's this very act of preaching and teaching that brings me out of my doubt. And I resonate with the feelings of not being worthy to be in this place of leadership. But if any of this were about worth, I know I wouldn't be where I am at all.

Wisdom's House

In the mail on Wednesday I received the most lovely of gifts. It was from my host family as I was a volunteer through Lutheran Volunteer Corps a number of years ago. They are wonderful souls with whom I continue to keep in some degree of contact. They are, in fact, who introduced me to Denise Levertov's work - she being the author of the poem for which this blog site is named. He is among other things an artist and poet and he wrote the following in the letter to me:

"Which leads me to explain the enclosed poem. "Wisdom's House" has been published in a small Christian literary magazine Windhover. But it started with a question you made me ask. One day I was watching you interact with homeless and/or obviously disturbed or stoned individuals who you knew through N House (the homeless shelter where I worked). The way that you dropped all pretense and agendas of your own and became available to them made me ask, what house did [Amused] grow up in to become this way. It made me also think of [my volunteer house] and the many LVC houses and households and the volunteer interactions that take place."

Wisdom's House
--for [Amused]

I've seen her house levitate
lift its burden against gravity
arc across the rippled roof lines
of the sleeping city.

I've heard her front porch speak
with the tongue of movie rights
in the timbre of patent law
and on the twelve point ritual.

When we arrive at Wisdom's house
the doors recite stories. Windows
unravel old ghost secret hymns.
Saints heat water, brew tea.

The border between the work
of our hands on fresh mornings
and the words of hearts seek
on pale evenings, that margin blurs.

A slow wind sings itself
through each room, stands in
every doorway, is already asking
if we need another home.

by Robert [last name...since I haven't told him I'm putting this on the internet]

One reason I love poetry is because I don't every get it all the first time. And, I know that this will take a number of reads for me to soak it all in. And, like scripture, I may read it differently depending on where I am in life.

And, my heart swells as I realize that it's really about the home in which I was brought up - that it's about those who supported me since I first was and those who helped support me as I branched out.

Even when I'm relaxing, I make lists

Ahh, a day off, with another one immediately following. I slept in until just before 10. While my body is not yet feeling altogether relaxed, it is relaxing. I do have a to-do list for today - but it includes fun stuff as well as work stuff.

1) figure out how and where to recycle my Christmas tree (and how long they accept them)
2) find a dentist, make an appointment
3) find an eye doctor, make an appointment
4) find a massage therapist, make an appointment (I'm available tomorrow)
5) take a bath
6) call friend to figure out when we're going to Brokeback Mountain
7) put away things on my dining room table, which seems to collect everything I take out of its place
8) Call to RSVP for house blessing at colleague's house on Saturday (am I going or not? I don't know)
9) before I go to bed, do the dishes.

I will allow myself to leave anything but 4, 5, 6 & 9 until tomorrow - which happens to be another day off.

It is amazing. Just knowing that I have tomorrow too feels so nice. A real day off - if I like, not to do anything but what is essential to relax and stay alive (really, my dishes might attack me if they are not soon cleaned).

Actually, this entire week, I've been more relaxed, happier, more patient...just because I knew I would have these two days. A lesson.

I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter.

My family member who can best push my buttons, but also might be right on (thus pushed my buttons) told me over my short visit (in the midst of a "discussion") that she worried about me - worried that I was too hard on myself and set an impossible bar for myself.

I came back from that break and worked these last two days. Within these two days I've had face-to-face contact with perhaps 8 people from my congregation. Three of these eight people had separate conversations with me talking about how they thought about me - one - how it must be hard to be new in a city with such a big job. Two others (at separate times) about how this was an enormous job and that I needed to make sure I took care of myself. I also reread an e-mail today from a colleague that was applauding some self-care boundary setting I'd done.

Wow! It brings to mind the old joke/sermon illustration of the man caught in a flood standing on his roof praying for God to save him - a boat, a helicopter and some other mode of transportation all come by offering help, but he says no, 'cause he's waiting for the Lord. Well - duh! God works through people! God must have understood that I needed that many people and in those particular ways telling me to pay better attention to self care.

So, I'm taking next Thursday off. Next week I am going to set up an appointment with one of the three spiritual directors I've been led to. Also, in the next two weeks I'm going to finally call the person who I've thought might be a good "synod mentor." I've got other plans as to how to monitor myself, but I don't know that I need to list them all here.

Self-care is so important, but it's so easy to let go of. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the big job and let others fill my schedule. It's so easy to feel despair over not being able to finish everything. But, as I tell so many others, I've got to make sure that I am healthy...not just physically (oh yeah, what was that about a gym?), but spiritually, emotionally and socially too.

These posts have been depressing lately - I've been overwhelmed and undernourished. Thankfully, God keeps sending people to save me from the flood of.....hmm, not despair, not loneliness, self-destruction. Yup, that's it.

Merry Christmas

My last post seems so depressing. In actuality, within hours of posting it things began to turn around. My parents are coming out for New Year's Eve. Which, considering I can't stay out very late due to work obligations early the next morning, and considering that I'm single, is the best thing I think could have happened. Now I get to spend New Year's with people I love, and not feel like a fuddy duddy for leaving before the ball drops.

Also, I was cued into a flight between here and my parents' home for an incredibly reasonable price. Which means I get more time with family and friends and less time in the car (almost 10 hours less travel time!)

However, I've been back at the teary stage, but this time I can point fingers. I'm stressed. It's 8 am on Christmas Eve morning and I haven't finished my sermon for tonight and barely begun my sermon for tomorrow morning. (Uff! Just remembered - children's sermon for tomorrow!) Also, a parishioner that I've been steadily visiting in the hospital died yesterday, and due to plane tickets I will not be doing the funeral. That feels really hard to give it up. It's the second time I've gone on vacation, and the second time I've had to ask another pastor to step in to preside at the funeral.

So, I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I'm surrounding myself with Christmas music. I've got my tree lights on. I'm wishing everyone I see "Merry Christmas." But, because of this whole worship leadership thing, I'm losing sight of some of the beauty and mystery.

I do wish that for everyone - A Merry Christmas, where the wonder of the gift of God is felt.

Bad Mood

Why have I been on the edge of crying for the last few days? They haven't been altogether stressful (or at least no more than usual). I've had some good rewarding moments - some good interactions, some good preparatory work done. It's not what has been happening that has gotten me down. Today as I talked with dear friend, Belle, I realized that it's because I'm looking towards a crappy holiday season.

The time when my family has it's normal celebration, I'm going to be preparing for the next day's worship service. The time when other people are opening presents from extended family members and eating ham? I'm going to be driving for 6 hours. The time when people are toasting out the old year and toasting in the new? Yet another lonely night at home while getting ready for worship the next day.

At least that's what it's looking like now. I could do something differently on New Year's Eve. I don't have a sermon that Sunday. I do hope to go to a late evening worship service Christmas Eve. I've got time to plan it. I just need to put the energy into it.

Exercise Count: 2

Check in...

At my first real full-time work place we had weekly staff meetings with "check-ins" where we shared what was going on in our lives because that completely fed into our work. So, here is my somewhat organized Check-In.

WORK: is good - challenged by office administration and today had to be a bit of a....umm, best clean word? - well, let's just say I had to lay down the law a bit.

Yesterday's soup kitchen was amazing in the people that I got to be a pastor to - and the ways I got to be part of people's lives. It was also cool because one of my Catholic colleagues was there because his parish is going to take over one night a month, so they were learning the ropes. I felt as each person (of various backgrounds and need-base) approached me that it validated the importance of what we are doing.

Today I planned all of the holiday worship service - which I do enjoy. I'm excited about a couple of the services, and two might take some extra work gathering others to be involved, but I'm excited to do it - to get people involved. However, because of certain office administration challenges I sacrificed a lunch break (before realizing that I hadn't had breakfast) - so I became a bit crabby.

SOCIAL LIFE: Good, because I've already had two social occasions of the week - but it is still very much missing the intimate quality. I think a couple of friends are getting there - but there are other things I miss - and miss out on. Overall - at this particular moment I am feeling lonely. Aching with loneliness, really. My plan is to go to bed with a good book and good music.

EXERCISE: Decent - because I can count bowling on Sunday - and shoveled for about 2 hours today. But, I'm not counting it until Friday...so we'll see what tomorrow brings...

Reports

Report #1
At my Grandparents' home these past few days, not only did I finish the square for the quilt I'm knitting (I don't have a pattern, I'm just knitting squares. Maybe it won't turn out) but I also finished my second sock! Now I have a pair!

Report #2
I signed the cousins up to help provide the Christmas celebration meal. The siblings are bringing soups and the Grandparents are providing bread and cookies. When the siblings were looking around, trying to figure out how to beef up the meal (so to speak) I piped in saying that my generation could take care of it. As one of only 2 cousins there at the time I hope no one minds that I spoke for them. We are between the ages of 23 and 31 - we should be able to pull our weight.

Report #3
My congregation has no plan for snow removal. It snowed yesterday. I spent 2 hours shoveling snow today (in 2 one-hour increments) so that the city doesn't come through to clear it for us (costing us a lot of money). I enjoyed myself, but would have had a much more enjoyable day (maybe even able to take advantage of the presence of a certain Chicago friend in town at her folks) if I had been able to just concentrate on my sermon and get out of there.

Report #4
Said snow shoveling (as well as Wednesday's snow shoveling) are my exercises for the week.
I never did make it to the Y last week. I'll be checking it out soon.
Exercise = 2

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for Christ

Umm. True Confession. So, I actually used the description of the Transformers and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in my sermon today (like when they come together to form one big being and the command center is in the head - ie. Jesus as the head of the body of Christ). And people liked it, they said it helped them relate a bit...at least the ones that said something.

I fear I dumb things down a bit too much sometimes. There's a book title that I remember called Reaching Out Without Dumbing Down by Marva Dawn. I don't know that I have read it, but the title sticks in my head. I wonder, when am I simply using creative imagery and when am I going too far.

Brute Strength

I've been making a few references to childhood toys and cartoons lately. It just seems to fit. Like, the description of Jesus as the head of the church - with the people the body - that is in the second reading for this Sunday makes me think of Transformers (or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers that I grew to love as a college-age babysitter). When the robot or the very large power ranger - I'm not exactly sure what it is - comes together, or transforms - there Jesus is...in the control tower, so to speak. He's calling the shots, directing where things should go and moving this big clunky body forward to do good (or in the case of the cartoons, fight the bad guy). So, is that where the black and white pictures of good and evil come from? Cartoons.

Anyway, back on topic. The most recent childhood cartoon to pop into my head is She-Ra...who, I am sorry to admit I sometimes confuse with Jem...even though they are completely different. They must have been on one right after the other or something. She-Ra popped into my head as I was thinking about what it means to be strong. And, She-Ra's strength is not the kind of strength that I want or have.

Bellerina brought me to tears with a blog of hers in which she referred to me as strong. When I think about it, my back gets straighter and my resolve deeper...and I cry. I want to write about strength, but at the moment I don't think I truly can - I've got too much else going on in my mind to think clearly about it. But, that's what I'm thinking about right now. What does it mean for me to be strong? Where do I see strength in others?

This week's exercise: 0 (but on my list for today is to check out the Y)

Amused? Naw - Amazed.

I have been incredibly amazed lately at how much people are willing to allow me into their lives. The good, the bad, the joyous, the mournful. And how much people remember what I say. It's scary, really! But, at the same time - I have to trust that the Spirit has some pull there - and is moving within people just as much as, if not more than, she is moving in me.

Exercise for last week: one (bummer!)

The pastor and the single girl

Scene - cold windy day, I'm dropping my car off in the driveway of a parishioner who lives 5 houses down from me. I will be out of town for a few days and will not be able to abide by this city's parking stipulation of alternating sides of the street according to the day.

I am standing outside talking to this dear, dear saint - who also happens to be very good at spreading information when an attractive (ringless) man with a very nice dog and adorable child comes by. He and the parishioner start up a conversation as he is obviously checking me out (I swear...I don't believe I usually think someone is when he isn't...I might sometimes be oblivious, but I don't think I overestimate myself).

As one who is intensely private about such things, I kept quiet...in another circumstance, I'm not sure that I would.

He turned around a couple houses down and headed back in our direction as the dear saint and I were finishing our conversation. It almost worked that the attractive man and myself would have been walking together, except that as I started to walk away the dear, dear parishioner called me back for further conversation. (Minnesota goodbyes are not just in Minnesota). Ah well - it could just be that he's just one not to wear rings and maybe I looked familiar to him or something. Who knows.

The pastor and the single girl are at odds with each other sometimes.

Clubbin'

Abba sometimes begins her posts by listing her workout accompaniment. In the past, my most successful workout regiments have been when I've had someone who has held me accountable, mainly by working out with me. I don't have that here, at least not yet.** One friend of a friend and I have gone on a few walks together, but there is no set regimen.

I have an athletic club plan. I am going to get week long memberships for weeks that I am here until the new year. I will be trying out each of these athletic clubs as I go and will be able to make a decision around the new year, hopefully around a time when such athletic clubs have a discount for joining. My plan has been aided by two continuing education weeks that have allowed me to exercise other places, as well as some beautiful weather here that has made it all but impossible to stay inside doing work when I could be out being active. And so, I have just about 8 weeks left of this year - or I should say, about 6 weeks where it would be worth it to try a club. I know of 4 such clubs that I want to try out anyway.

The trick though, will be trying to make sure I do keep exercising as I seek a club and after I've joined. And so, my dear blog perusers, you are my accountability piece. Each week I will report what physical exercise I have completed. And so, let it begin. This week I ran (outside, on beautiful days) on Monday and Wednesday this week. I hope to do some kind of physical activity tomorrow as well...but I suppose I can't report that if I haven't actually done it. So - I exercised twice this week. So, this week's magic number is two.


**One friend has mentioned the possibility of trying to join the same athletic club...perhaps with the intent to attend similar classes or workout together?

Right Neighborly - or not

I had a run-in tonight. It happened about four hours ago and I'm still a little shaky.

No, it wasn't an accident - although it did involve my car. No, my physical safety wasn't in danger. No, it had nothing to do with work (although I definitely used some conflict resolution skills).

My doorbell rang a little before 7. Tonight was my neighborhood's trick-or-treat night (Halloween is huge here!). I expected that it was some kids. Instead it was a man, his sister and I think his brother-in-law. The brother and sister are sibling of a woman who lives across the street.

When I came home tonight there was very little room on my street to park. Being most recently from Chicago, this was not really a problem for me. As I squeezed my way into a tiny spot I did realize that my bumper was touching the car ahead of me (without very much room behind me). There was plenty of room for the car ahead of me to get out, but the offense I committed came in because my car was touching the man's car. (And let me say, I understand that I was in the wrong in this way and that people are protective of cars and paint jobs).

Well, I stepped outside, confused because I didn't see any kids. The sister aggressively asked if my car was my car and when I affirmed that it was proceeded to yell and swear at me. She kept asking me questions but gave no time for an answer (and then got more riled up when I didn't answer).

My legs were shaking, but I stayed standing. I soon ascertained that there was no way for me to talk to the sister - and when I discovered that the car in fact was the much calmer brother's, I talked with him. He and I left on good terms. I apologized and said that it wasn't all that unusual of a thing to happen where I had recently been, but that I understand that this is a different situation and I will not park so closely again. I apologized again and asked if there was any other way for me to respond.

The thing I don't understand completely, and would love to have someone explain to me, is why this was such an affront to them. I wonder if they thought it was a personal attack? I wonder what else it was that I did that contributed to the hostility from the sister. When I asked if I could do anything else the brother said "I just don't understand." And it felt to me like it was as serious as if someone had killed a kitten for no reason. I need some help understanding myself, it seems.

A half hour later I saw the woman who owns the house across the street outside and so I sucked in all the courage I could and went over and introduced myself, reiterating that I had not intended any offense and that I was sorry that we were just finally meeting because of this to-do. She was very nice and I think she and I are on good terms.

I've not been a very social neighbor. I've introduced myself to neighbors on either side and say hello when I pass someone, but that is not often. I have not gone out of my way here - partly because I'm in the mode of frequent moving around and apartment dwelling. This really made me appreciate all the more the importance of knowing one's neighbor.

Found it

Service (and sermon) completed. Still a busy day tomorrow. But, on the other side of the service I realized as soon as I started talking with the family again that that is where I get my motivation. To meet people where they are. To laugh with them and to cry with them - but most of all to know that God loves them and that they need not fear what is after their time on earth - for them or for their loved ones.

It's really not so hard to find motivation when I consider the people.

Lack of Motivation

Warning to the case sensitive - multiple inappropriate capitalizations ahead.

Memorial Service in 2 hours - sermon and service all set.

full day tomorrow of Administrative and Pastoral related activities (Committal, Interview a candidate to Fill a Staff position, Visiting someone about to enter the Hospital, Sermon Writing).

Today a day off filled with the Computer, Newspaper, Telephone calls. I have yet to leave the house for the day.

I'm having a hard time Caring about any of what I am Supposed to care about. I want to be Entertained. I'd rather have people caring for me (or a Mutual exchange) than this One-Way street that I'm Feeling right now.

Don't get me wrong - I care about the People to whom I'm ministering. And more Often than not I Receive care back. It just feels Shallow.

(And, as if you couldn't tell I'm feeling melancholy). I have to Ask "What's my Motivation?"

Handling It

When someone says "I can handle it" my ears perk up a bit and I take a little note. This phrase says to me that the "it" is something to handle and thus something that may cause a bit of anxiety or difficulty - or at the very least wear the person down a bit.

I only notice this because of my own experience. There are periods in my life where I look back and wonder how in the world I "handled it." Times that I have been worn raw and so emotionally scourged I couldn't cry. Times when I couldn't look to what was happening next week because it was all I could do to cope with the challenges of the present one.

The speaker at the conference I just attended was James Cone (or another site). His presentations were remarkable - one was on "The Problem of Race" and basically gave a 9 step process about how to go about addressing the problem within a community, particularly a religious community. Cone had us examining the cross from the perspective of a lynching tree in the second lecture - amazing in so many different angles and reminders of how we are all in this community together and yet we do not recognize Christ in our neighbor.

Anyway - as he responded to questions afterwards he was telling the history of who it was that stepped forward corporally to defend and fight with people in the South. He mentioned that as a body Jews stepped forward to fight for civil rights, but white protestants were shamefully missing. He was challenged by someone who himself had gone down - but Cone's response challenged the "I did it" mentality - especially when one begins to feel proud for where they are.

This brings me back to "handling it." Because, looking back - I can not imagine how I succeeded, but if it wasn't me that was doing the work - then it's possible. I can handle it - because I'm not the one who is handling it. When things do feel like they get to be too much, I shut down and move automatically. It's then, that I have to believe, that the Holy Spirit takes over. I can handle it because I let go.

I haven't figured out how to function normally and let go - I can only let go when there is no where else for me to go. And, I do not aim to get to that place on purpose. This helps me reinterpret parts of my life and the telling of those parts - it wasn't that I did anything but stuck within a given situation, letting go of anything but that I should be there.

Time for a change of pace

The Top Ten Indicators that I'm in need of a break

1. I easily become defensive
2. I cry when someone says something nice to me
3. Television or book characters become my friends
4. I get paranoid (as one friend aptly noticed) about my friendships - that I may offend
5. Even with a lot of friends, it's hard to reach out and call
6. I take too much responsibility for other people's mistakes
7. Small annoyances produce out-of-proportion responses (ie. my darn landlady's dogs are howling and I feel like swearing at them and stomping on the floor - not like that would work)
8. It's hard to think into the future - even 12 hours
9. Cooking becomes less important, but eating more
10. Feeling guilty for non-productivity on days off

I'd say that I'm currently at a 4 out of 10 scale here (#s 2, 4, 5 and 7). I certainly don't feel guilty for this day off - I'm looking forward to making dinner but I'm not really hungry, and since I'm reveling in my laziness today I'm not really having to deal with #s 1 and 6. Now, if only those darn dogs would shut up! I'd be a much healthier person (maybe I need to add an 11, blaming others for my annoyance...naw, anyone would be aggravated by persistent howling.)

I do get some kind of break. I have today off of course - and tomorrow should not be too stressful. And then we have continuing education Monday and Tuesday where I get to go be with others who do this same kind of work (with an extra bonus dinner for those of us in our first 3 years). I know that is work and that I will be tired after those days, but I think it will be good for my soul to have some of that collegiality. A time to commiserate, a time to laugh, a time not to be in charge (yay!).

I'm not looking to this continuing ed as a break so much as a change of pace. It will be nice to not have the same level of responsibility.

Reeking of normality...in a good way

Last night I had a topic in mind, but I thought that I would wait until today to write. Today, the topic must have wandered off to dream land.

It was a positive topic, that I know. Things seem to be going pretty well for me currently. I have been taking advantage of a trial week at a gym that may just get that $40 a month from me. I am enjoying work - feeling like I am making a difference, feeling like things have made the turn for the positive, having other people say that they are noticing that turn. I not only got a phone call this week from my grandparents (who generally call on birthdays and send cards at other times) but also from my brother (my brother!) who rarely calls...and he actually talked this time!

I also have had a pretty normal life lately. I had a "meeting" w/ a guy - not a date, I don't think...and not the guy for me, but it reeked of normality. I also got together with friends to hear a band on a Saturday night - a Saturday night! True, it was an accordion Band, and yes, they did play the Laverne & Shirley theme song, but really - that's how I know it's Milwaukee. And at the end of this week a friend is coming to visit since she's at a conference in Madison this week.

I could settle into this, and feel good about this. Nothing hugely exciting, nothing horribly traumatic. Those things are okay from time to time, but it is nice to be able to come home at the end of the day and not be all worked up.

One of my favorite links.

I'm not asking permission to direct y'all to one of my dear friend's blogs.

She has recently decided to go comment-free - which just means that I have to comment here that I'm loving her site so much. The combination of her beautiful artwork, her blatant political commentary and her own musings and passions being exposed have been wonderful for me to observe.

Please check out Bellarina's site.

Thanks.

Settled

This used to be a word I scorned. If someone was settled, what change could happen in his or her life? What adventures were ready to happen? What challenge? What growth?

But now, I crave it. I've been building up to this point for a couple of years. It first had to do with the desire not to move every single year. Then, I began imagining owning a dog (even though allergies would require one of the hairless variety). And now, I am thinking about purchasing a house. Let me stress 'thinking.' I have a little bit of saving to do, and a lease until the end of June. Even at that point I'll probably wait another year. But I am thinking about it.

I saw a number of friends who are in or heading towards that good settled place. How pleased I am for them! I don't know that I was or could have been before.

The difference is between settled and settling and then there is just plain old stagnation. I aim for settledness - and rejoice with my friends who are finding their way there too.

3 Months (the long and the short of it)

I started my current call 3 months ago. In three months time I have learned

1. I can write a sermon in 3 hours time
2. Most of the time those sermons aren't very good, but every once in a while a winner comes out of a short mad writing spree
3. I can lead a Bible Study on the texts for the week using the same prep I used for my sermon
4. When I lose my keys (easily up to four times a day) they are usually in the same place on my desk.
5. Some days it is very easy to come home and not think about work.
6. Other days there is no way I can get work out of my head.
7. It can take three months of regular visits to (finally) be able to navigate a hospital, especially one that has been frequently remodeled.
8. It can take (only) three minutes of heartfelt listening to help another feel as if someone cares and will listen.
9. It can take three weeks (or more) for appreciation of a particular sermon to come back to you.
10. It can take three seconds to stick your foot in your mouth - especially during times of prayer when some sort of eloquence and care should be involved.
11. I need to remind myself to take back the gobs of extra time I have put in.
12. Even when I intend to take a full day for myself, one phone call from the son of an ailing woman can change those plans.
13. I do not need to respond to other people's urgencies (except perhaps in cases such as #12). Ok, further clarification as to what some of these urgencies might be: need to know what the council has decided, need to hire someone for a position as volunteers are filling in. Urgencies that are not life/death.
14. It hurts when people (outside of my congregation) question and doubt that I am a pastor - or assume that there must be other pastors from my congregation.
15. Many of my parishioners and others with whom I come into regular contact do think of me as pastor - with no questions.

Unintentional

I unintentionally lied in my last post. I think I might very well be working as much as I did in school - but only for this week. I've only worked 4 days this week and I've worked over 40 hours. On my day off (today) not only do I have a wedding rehearsal, but I have to attempt to prepare for the wedding rehearsal (my first ever in a leadership role) and I should probably write the sermon for the wedding.

When it comes right down to it, I am unintentionally working way more than I think is necessary. But, I'm not goofing off. We had a number of new programming things this week, there were a couple of meetings off church grounds, and, perhaps most of all, there were a few new hospital and nursing home visits to make.

The thing is, I feel like I accomplished things this week. And yet there is still so much to do. I feel though, as if I'm getting things in place so that I don't have to reinvent the wheel every single week. And, people are starting to turn to me as pastor. I still get the surprised looks and funny comments when people first realize that I'm the pastor - the only pastor. But, those who are members of the congregation are accepting me, and in some cases end up "defending" me to those who question (I tend not to defend, just state the obvious, "Yes, I'm the pastor. Yes, I'm new and early in my career. Yes, I'm younger than 30. Yes, I'm a woman.")

Finally, this week, even amidst all of my busyness I've somewhat unintentionally had a social life with a few different groups of people, non of them members of the congregation. Actually, if I count last Friday in the mix, I've socialized (in a purely social way) with five different groups of people! And that is with my crazy work week.

So, yeah. I'm exhausted - but I'm managing to accomplish what I need to. And, I'm having fun outside of work too.

Now, if only I could unintentionally exercise...

Fewer hours + more responsibility = Worn Out

This morning I woke up tired. Two long days behind me, four long days ahead of me with not enough time to accomplish everything I think I need to do. Yet, I probably am running around quite a bit less than I ever did in either schooling experience I've had. I just have more responsibility. And that makes me tired.

I think I'm doing what I need to in order to take care of myself. My social calendar has been quite full of late. I'm for the most part making sure that my day off has very little to do with work and doing my best to take time on both Saturday and Sunday away from everything. But ahead of my this weekend - a wedding rehearsal on my day off and the wedding on Saturday. That means two sermons, both of which are brewing in my head, but neither of which have anything on paper.

I've discovered that the weeks immediately before council meetings and immediately following council meetings are the busiest. Committees trying to get things done before and picking up the decisions that were made afterwards.

So, now, I've got to go and get ready for my day. I'm 1/2 way through my first cup of my regular 2 cups of coffee and a shower will feel good - and then it's off to the workplace.

Odds and Ends

Each of these could be their own entry - and I reserve the right to do so in the future - but for now they're short and to the point.

+ I am now sportin a new ride. My brother's vehicle (on loan to me as he attempts to live simply) is only about one year younger than my (now former) car, but it's in much better shape.

+ I have finally purchased a bed. Actually, I did this a couple weeks ago. I am now the owner of a "big girl bed" and have moved the "nun bed" into the guest room. Of course, moving from the nun bed to the big girl bed does not change the contents in any way - but there is a lot more room to spread out on.

+ I have support in my job! And, I got things done this week! And...well, okay, my sermon isn't done - but it's well on its way!

+Tomorrow is my day off, but in some ways it will be a working day off because I need to pay bills, start looking for an accountant, get a dress fitted, get the car's oil changed. But, I also get Monday off - whoo-hoo! Chi-town, here I come!

+ I've successfully unhooked myself from a web that eats up my time! I got a little hooked on checking up on the live feeds of the show Big Brother. Can you blame me? I'm in a new city by myself, and these people were letting me into their lives. But, once my free 2 weeks ran out, I have let it go! I don't even read the web sites (well...as much). I still watch the show when I can though.

+ Babies, babies, babies! It seems as if they are popping out all over the place. (I don't mean to be crass, that is truly how I feel - it seems I turn my head and another friend is all of a sudden holding a wriggling infant in his or her arms). Three years ago it was weddings, weddings, weddings, although only one of those couples are new parents. This is so much fun - new life and new joy...and that I don't have to be up with them at night. Bring on the kids! (Just not in my family yet, please).