Home, part 2

On the second day of Daylight Savings, my little loves gave to me - an early morning. As is to be expected, David was up at 5:15 and Gabriel by 5:45. It could be worse, and since my body clock takes longer to reset, it doesn't feel too bad.

I am thankful for a comfortable home that make early mornings cozy and sweet. Cuddling on the couch - sometimes with the tv on - is not a hard way to wake up.

I may not have chosen this particular house (moving in when I married Pablo), but there are so many pieces to it that make it comfortable, functional and home. When we met with our realtor for one of the first times she said something about it being hard to leave some of the amenities that we have - and as we look at other homes, it is true that we are more particular as we look at houses we'd like to make our home.

So, I'm thankful for the house structure we have - even as I seek a slightly different one. But more than that, I'm thankful for the place that houses our family - that keeps us warm or cool - comfortable. I'm thankful for the space for the boys to run (in circles) and the place to lay our heads. I'm thankful for all that makes this place our home.

The Work of a Few

It's daylight savings time - with an extra hour of cuddle time instead of sleep. Most people would have this anyway on a Sunday. I get it today because now I get ready for work.

Today - and so many days - I am thankful for the members of the congregation I am serving as part-time interim pastor. I work between 10-15 hours a week in a job most people have a hard time limiting to 40. Of course, there are many things I do not do - but that means that others pick that up.

In particular, I am thankful for the council president/musician/property manager and the preschool director who really ends up making sure everything for the church is done. Without these two faithful women, this congregation would not be functioning.

I will write another time about how grateful I am for this opportunity to dabble my toes in ministry while also being a mostly-full-time mom. But, it would not be possible without the hours of work Lynn and Kathy put into the church.

Also, it means I barely think about building things. I don't have to respond when a light bulb needs changing in the stairway or the air conditioner goes out. Honestly - with my job being focused on worship - I have often forgotten about changing paraments and other worship-space-related things - because Kathy just makes sure they're done. (She's not the only one who does it...but if it's not done she makes sure it gets done.)

This week, I haven't been into the office because of a sick child on my one day dedicated to work, so I'll go in a little early. But, I'm not really worried about what I will find. Such a gift. Such faith. So thankful.

Joyful Shabbat

I am thankful for the experience I had last night.

A week ago, in Pittsburg, 11 people were murdered while attending a ceremony at Tree of Life Synagogue, by a gunman shouting antisemitic rhetoric. My congregation prayed for Tree of Life, and our local Jewish Congregation (Or Shalom), and I was so glad when after my initial e-mail indicating that our prayers were with our siblings at Or Shalom, we were invited to join in a show of solidarity by attending their Friday evening Shabbat service.

What a joy-filled, hope-filled service! They had to open up the worship space to allow for twice as many chairs (it seemed to me). The music was phenomenal. Not only because of the Cantor and the musician (although they were amazing), but because those who regularly attend Shabbat were singing along whole heartedly.

I sat in between a group from a local UU church and a Lutheran/Presbyterian clergy-couple and their kids. In front of me were 4 young girls - around 3rd or 4th grade - who were so intent in following along with the service (much of which is in Hebrew) that they were each bent over a service book with a finger on the spot. One girl kept turning around asking for my help about where they were (I was trying to follow along too).

Behind me were a number of congregation members in their 70s and 80s. I overheard one say, "This is bigger than Rosh Hashanah." And they sang along with gusto.

I met a local imam - who looks to be younger than me and has a young son. I met a few other interfaith colleagues. We sang a Matisyahu song (One Day) and Keep Your Eyes On the Prize by Pete Seeger.

The congregation offered wine and cookies afterwards (although I felt I needed to go home). And, I noticed a police presence as we left. I don't know for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if that is a regular necessity.

This was certainly not a 5-minute post, there is too much to share.

My reflection of thankfulness is for the rabbi and his congregation who invited me and other interfaith friends in and shared their hope in the face of death. What a gift of faith - of hospitality - of courage.

Home

We are in the midst of trying to sell our townhouse to move to a single family house. We could use a little more room - a larger play area inside, an extra bedroom for when my family or other out-of-town guests visit. We also would very much enjoy a yard in which we can play, garden, hang out.

It is a bit stressful to have our house on the market - to be show ready. So, we took it off for a few months. And, it has been nice to fall back into a less strenuous cleaning routine. We are still cleaning - just not too worried about the fingerprints on the windows, or whether all of the toys are put away exactly where they are supposed to.

In some ways, going off the market feels like coming home. While life with a toddler and preschooler is not necessarily restful, it's a bit more relaxing now that we're not as worried about others coming to examine our house. 

So - I certainly have more to write about "home." But, today, my thankfulness is that we have some time to let it be our home - and not worried about someone else wanting it as their home - for a little bit.

Thankfulness

The first of November. Some of my Facebook friends will be posting about something they are thankful for each day. I'm not so sure I'm wanting to be that public in my attempt - but I would like to participate in the practice. 

A different Facebook friend took the month of October to write 5 minutes every day with a prompt. I'm going to combine these two efforts and try to sit down for 5 minutes every day in this space to write about some aspect of thankfulness. Whether it's something/one for which I'm thankful - or the other emotions thankfulness brings out in me. 

Tonight, for the remainder of my 5 minutes (about 2 minutes worth), I'm going to just name possible writing topics or words upon which I'll focus.

Perhaps I'll write about: home, love, Pablo, Gabriel, David, Mom, Dad, my siblings, their spouses, my nephew. Perhaps I'll write about work: the dabbling I get to do, sermon preparation, time away (once/month), teaching, colleagues, time away (part 2 - away from my mom-work). Perhaps I'll talk about feeling warmth, joy, peace, contentment and even frustration. 

I may touch on all of these, or only some - and I'm sure there will be others. But, my 5 minutes is up. Hopefully, until tomorrow....

Amy

S'more

Written on March 6, 2017 

I've had some version of S'mores 3 times over this past weekend. The first was the new girl scout cookie (not Samoas, but described by the girl scouts as "Crunchy graham sandwich cookies with creamy chocolate and marshmallowy filling"). The other was an amazing S'more cheesecake at a "night in" with other moms that one of the other women made - the recipe can be found here. So amazingly delicious. And the third S'more was out to dinner with my family on Saturday night at a wonderful chocolate-themed restaurant nearby with a perfect little S'more dessert - with a little bacon sprinkled around it. 

To all three I would definitely say, "I'd like S'more!"

Today is my 40th birthday. Forty years on this earth. 20 years ago my birthday celebration was in the basement of my dorm where I was an RA. (I'm sure there were other festivities, but that is where we had cake). When I turned 30, I think I held a coffee house party in my apartment in Bay View. Forty's celebration will be a bit different - both now and not yet. Pablo took me out for a wonderful dinner with the boys on Saturday (where I had the third S'more dessert). My friends and family are wishing me happy birthday today, and those who are in the habit of doing so are giving me presents. But, with an almost-three-month old I decided that I would wait to hold any kind of gathering until the baby was a bit older and the weather a bit nicer. So, I'm intending to have a BBQ at a local park sometime in May or June. 

Maybe it's because I know there's something else to come. Maybe it's because I am exhausted trying to keep up with my 2-year-old and newborn. Maybe I'm 

*This is where the post ended.....obviously awaiting s'more. But, it's over 1 ½ years later, so I'm not even going to try to finish it. And still, I'll publish.

Ashed

My newborn and I made it to Ash Wednesday worship last night while my husband put our 2-year-old son to bed. Last year my older son and I attended an Ash Wednesday service at noon at a congregation I've supplied at about ½ an hour away. I remember feeling a little panicky when I watched my 15-month-old receive the ashes on his forehead. Panicky because this was about death - life too, definitely. But the reality that what we are now will whither away. That I cannot protect my kids from pain and suffering, sin and death.

As a pastor, the privilege of placing the ashes on my beloved congregation members' foreheads was moving. I was immersed in what those ashes meant and also was well-aware of how much could change in a year. I was especially moved when placing the ashen cross upon the foreheads of folks with illness or extreme old age. Especially moved as I placed the cross on those who mourn (a mother of a 20-something year old son and a widower who couldn't imagine his life without his recently deceased wife come immediately to mind). I know I placed that cross upon infants and toddlers heads, but the only emotion I really remember feeling was a sweet love for that young life.

Last year's panic took me by surprise. This year, holding my 2 ½ month old, who had just been baptized 10 days earlier, I teared up as well. But, this time the tears included an incredible trust and thankfulness in the promise of those waters washed over my young one's head.

I'm not sure that I can point to what was different for me from one year to another. But I do know that last night I had a feeling of God's presence that has been difficult for me to sense as I've worshiped with a toddler.

Options and Opinions

The baby has come - and I definitely have a lot to say about it. I've got stuff on my mind and don't want to play catch up. So, I'm diving right in.

I'm in the mommy camp of "if it works for you, don't sweat what other people say/think." Of course I recognize that there are some things that are safer than others - but we are all making a thousand decisions as they relate to our children every week and we can't really be second guessing everything we do - we'll go nuts!

I certainly felt this way about decisions when it came to giving birth. I wanted to have as few interventions as possible - hoping to give birth without a bunch of things connected to me or lots of chemicals in my system. Pablo and I took classes. We practiced. We made a birth plan. We talked about the continuum of what we would do if it were necessary. And then, my water broke and labor did not start. I needed an IV with antibiotics because I was positive for Strep B. After quite a bit of time with very little labor, I needed pitocin. And, then I was exhausted and got an epidural. Each of these was the right thing for us at the time. But, it wasn't my ideal. And honestly, I have no ** very little judgement when it comes to what any other person does in this situation.

It seems like this pattern continues into other areas. We are using cloth diapers - sometimes. We still have yet to use a cloth diaper over night. And, there are days that we just put a disposable on because it's easier. And, I don't care what decision other parents make.

So far, I am making all of my son's food - until I don't. There will be a time, I'm sure, when I just don't have time or make the decisions that it's easier to buy something at the store rather than make it myself. (We're also thinking of doing Baby-Led Weaning, but at the recommendation of G's allergist, we have already started to introduce some foods to test for allergies. Since he's not yet 6 months, we've been doing purees.)

All of this is to say, I get that this parenting thing is fluid. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you and your child at the time. As a lactation specialist (whose job is to promote breastfeeding) said to us, "You're main goal is to make sure your child is fed." It isn't the end of the world if things don't quite go according to plan, as long as the needs of your child are being met. We learned that on Day 2 in the hospital - and gave our little tiny fussy baby formula because he was so hungry and wasn't getting much from me.

But, right now, I'm wishing there was a guaranteed step-by-step method to getting a child to sleep. Our little one was a decent sleeper from about 2 ½ months to almost 4 months. And now, as we approach 6 months, we are realizing that we need some way to help him fall asleep. There are so many different recommendations of what to do - but the one consistent seems to be that we should be consistent. So, we haven't started anything yet - how's that for consistency?

**I realize I have some opinions against convenience C-sections. If you are scheduling it so you can have your baby born on a special date or for some other non-medical timing issue, I have opinions.

And More Changes

A baby is coming! A baby is coming!

At 17 weeks, I'm still in the middle stage of seeing obvious changes (a rounder middle), but not yet feeling any movement from inside, and so sometimes actually wondering if I am really expecting.

(However, I didn't have much of that wondering during the first trimester - I was too busy feeling sick to wonder too much.)

Pablo and I are starting to look into what needs to be done and what needs to be purchased and it feels very similar to preparing for our wedding. We'd like things to be nice and functional, and there are some things we will want to do in spite of the economics of it (like the nicer chairs at the wedding - so not necessary, but in the end I'm really glad we sprang for the extra perk).

Yet, similar to the racket that the wedding industry can be (not every vendor is part of it, I know), it seems preparing for and birthing a baby has a similar racket. Do we really need all of the medical tests offered (we said no to most...but not all)? I assume the special dinner offered new moms and dads at the hospital (surf 'n turf and a bottle of champagne) is actually billed to our insurance in some way - is that really necessary? 

We've been told just say no to the wipe warmer, and the diaper genie expenses continue past just getting the device (special bags needed, I guess). I do want an ultra safe car seat, but that doesn't necessarily mean the most expensive. (I am feeling like that should be new, however, not used).

We are going to be looking for a lot of second-hand items. A neighbor's 3rd child is just 1 year old and she's going to be participating in our neighborhood garage sale, so I think we'll wander over there at some point. We plan to check out second hand stores and have gladly accepted donations of used books and maternity clothing for the time being.

These changes are both immediate and a long way off. It's fun to think about, and a little daunting because of how much has to change. 

Making Changes

At this very moment, my husband is being a better advocate for my faith practice than I am.

Looking at the calendar, I realized that the annual meeting for our housing association is schedule on the first Wednesday in Lent. I have been looking forward to this - probably only the 2nd opportunity for me to meet others in our area in some kind of structured setting since I moved here 8 months ago.

I've been looking forward to putting names to faces and figuring out what the association does.

Then, I saw that it was at the same time of another thing I've been eagerly anticipating - worshiping at Lenten services.  So, P has now sent an e-mail to the association (an e-mail everyone will see) noting that the meeting is scheduled on a Wednesday evening in Lent and wondering if we can switch the meeting to a Thursday.

I hemmed and hawed as he wrote the e-mail (which is now sent). Is it okay to note that and ask that?

Part of me is nervous because I worry that people will read this as an attempt to press my religion onto others. Part of me is nervous because I wonder if they don't change it, I'll really have to decide and my decision might mean something to someone other than me. Part of me is nervous because it's not my style to make requests that might put out other people.

Another learning, I suppose.

Not so busy

"If you want to get something done, ask a busy person."

I have found this to be true. And, until recently I have been that kind of busy person. But now, I'm not.

This is the first time in my adult life that I am home most evenings. I'm reading. I'm following tv shows (although, Netflix tv often trumps network television). I'm cooking dinner 2-4 nights a week - like really cooking, not just warming things up. As I've mentioned before, I'm taking classes - well, now only one. My Spanish class was cancelled due to low enrollment.

I have enough time to complete all I want to do. Although, I still often don't get everything I'd like to done. There is not much urgency or importance. If I don't walk in the morning, there is always theoretical time in the evening...or the next morning. I am no longer feeling overwhelmed, or overextended, or exhausted, and I like that.

And, I am having a lot of BIG thoughts - about life, about faith, about what I would like to do. But, with no real outlet for them, they start to get lost.

I'm feeling a restlessness - and, at the same time, a selfishness with my time. I'm not so sure I want to commit to much, because I am enjoying this time of not extending myself too much. I'm enjoying being able to do all that I mentioned before. And, I hope to do more of those things that I've had on my list for ages (actually taking Spanish classes, guitar lessons, volunteering with something other than church, perhaps a cooking class or two).

I guess it comes down to decisions, and being willing to put myself out there - whether it's for things that are selfishly for me or for others (which, really, that's for me too). And, it's a question of balance - of how to say yes, but not too much.

A New Energy

Today I have a new energy.
I'm ready to think about a work future and be creative and inventive about how to go about living in an unorthodox  - and perhaps an unofficial - call.

Having five months off has helped. I've gotten to become resettled in who I am and my own faith. I've gotten to make some big life changes: marriage, a move. I've gotten to rest.

Getting to preach and preside yesterday certainly helped. I felt rejuvenated in a desire to study, to question, to explore and to put together a message. I felt at home leading liturgy and listening to people.

But, it has been conversations, particularly with two women, that have ultimately encouraged me. One, a bishop's associate in this area, who pushed me to think about how I can be involved and invited me to consider an opportunity - promising there would be others when I decided I wasn't ready to drive over an hour to and from work. The other, my friend who can say the words, "I worry that you aren't allowing yourself to use some very important gifts."

So, here is my plan:
1) Read theologically for ½ an hour a day.
2) Set up a meeting with the bishop in this area.
3) Talk with one of my pastors, the one who is the dean of the conference, and ask for some insight in who I should make a special effort to connect with and indicate my interest in supply preaching.
4) Connect with those pastors.
5) Have coffee (again) with the woman in my area who has pulled this thing off. This time, ask for specifics.
6) Continue to apply for other jobs - hoping that I can also gain something in work outside of the church world.
7) Pray. Pray. Pray.

Applying in Boxes

Yes, I am enjoying not being a pastor for the moment. And, yes, I am really enjoying having more time and getting to putter about a lot. But - oh boy, is it difficult to look for work when you don't really know what you want!

Today was especially trying since to apply for one of the positions on my list I had to procure a college transcript (with it's own hoops and tape) and then, after a couple hours working on applying, discovered that because I didn't have three years experience with data entry I wasn't qualified.

I know that I want to make some kind of difference outside of my home. I know that I want to work primarily within the Monday-Friday work-day perimeters. I know that I have certain skills, but it's hard to translate my experiences into online job applications.

I am fortunate that there is no desperation to my search. It's a bit of a blow, however, to realize that if there was I might not be able to take care of myself.

In this too I am gaining what I have wanted to gain, though - an understanding of how this world works outside of the bubbles I've been inside. 

De-pastoring

It's been four months since I have been a parish pastor. If I would have taken a sabbatical (after 8 years of ministry, I am considering this time a bit of one), I would have either been a month back in (the 3-month variety) or be starting to look toward the end (the 6-month variety).

Either way, I don't think I would be ready to go back yet.

I miss some aspects of pastoring: having a regular work-place where I feel competent; the fact that it was my job to study scripture, not just a spiritual discipline; getting to be surprised by how God works through me as I am present in people's difficult life situations.

But, for the most part, I'm really enjoying this time away from that work. I wonder if that will change if I do actually find work in a different field.



Perhaps the best part for me has been the opportunity to worship again. And, the opportunity to explore scripture and faith because I want to, not because it's my job. I've been surprised at how wonderful it has been to arrive to church on Sunday mornings without a preconceived notion of what the sermon should be about because of the assigned texts. I've loved getting to really sink into the worship & listen without having to think about what is going to happen next. I've been fed by being surprised by a choral anthem or a baptism or other parts of worship where I am not needing to be mindful of the details.

There are a few things at the congregation I am attending that are not "my style" - communion is every other week (plus festival celebrations) and there is a regularly scheduled praise band...which was good (well-rehearsed, music that the congregation could sing with, good theology) the first time I heard them, but since has been less than inspirational.

And yet, I am finding grace in these things too. Amazingly, without too much work, I'm finding the grace of not having everything the way I want it to be.

And, I'm finding my place. I'm getting to be involved at church without being in charge. I'm getting to explore and dream about other ways I might want to be involved in the community (Community radio? Maybe. Actually signing up for NoNaWriMo. Even if I don't write a word, the dreaming has begun. A regular Tuesday night! exercise class. Spanish lessons - it's like I have other interests than work.).

I haven't figured this out yet, but my love of/for God feels deeper, stronger and less work. Maybe it's because I'm at the beginning of a new chapter - maybe it's because I have more time. But, I'm thankful for this feeling of deepening - of the fires of my faith being stoked. And, I'm a little sad that it has taken stepping away, in a sense.

I really do hope that I find something soon through which I can earn money, make a difference in the world somehow, and get out of the house. But, I am content with finding the ways of serving God and the world outside of paid parish ministry for now. As I looked toward this time in between, I wasn't sure if that would be the case.

Married!

We are married!

It's hard to believe all that was crammed into the last 5 days. Family arriving, golfing, rehearsing, fun time getting ready - hot, hot, hot pictures - the ceremony:

...and the reception:

And, today, P is back to work & I am back to.....well, cleaning up and looking for work. 

There were a few moments for nerves - the understandable walking down the aisle. I think we both got a little wobbly during the vows (and actually, the family blessing almost started my waterworks at the very beginning). We just beat a storm while taking pictures and I was a bit worried that others would be worried about us. But, those are the emotions and the stories that go with big, life-changing events.

We both had a blast, felt loved and supported, wished we could have had more time to talk with so many loved ones who came to support us, and we think others had a great time too.

Most importantly, we are united in love and marriage - blessed by God and loved ones.

I may have to write another post about the amazing people who helped to put this all together, but, for now I'm reveling in the emotions.

Blessings

I just received a card from a former parishioner that is loaded with emotion. Loaded because her husband entered hospice care the weekend that I left that congregation. He died about a month later.

The card was a wedding card, and the note enclosed was such a blessing. Her well wishes for a happy marriage. Her thankfulness for my time with them - both casual visits, and when they received bad news. That she misses me (as I do her),

When her husband was going through treatment they couldn't get out much due to the fear that he would catch something. So when I would visit, we would spend a long time visiting. She missed interaction - and she very much enjoyed hearing about the wedding plans. And, I enjoyed hearing about their lives - particularly their life together.

It is now 2 days before the wedding (2 days!) and things are pretty much under control. I have a few odds and ends I want to accomplish this afternoon, but nothing that would be terribly missed if I failed to do it.

My parents are on their way - my siblings will be flying in this evening - and P is finishing up his last day of work.

I'm nervous about a few things: what if I get really uncomfortable in the dress? What if I'm not feeling well that day? The dance.....we haven't practiced like we said we would. But, overall, I'm just excited!

And, I'm feeling blessed by the people the surround me near and far. The people who, even as they grieve, take time to write a card of well wishes and fond remembrances. The people who have let me know they are praying. My family and friends who are traveling to be here. P's family who have been welcoming to me and have made sure certain things are covered. And, mostly, that P is excited too! That he is as likely to say "so many days until we're married!" as I am.

As a pastor, I always said to couples "something is going to go wrong, but it'll be okay - the most important thing is that you'll be married." I've experienced groomsmen fainting, people really late, a super hot day in an non-air-conditioned church, a snow storm, family fights (though not in the service), forgotten rings, and other missteps - and that's just in the church portion of the day!

I'm looking forward to a day filled with love and laughter - some missteps - some things that don't go quite the way we expect - and in the end, a celebration that sends us off into a life that will be a blessing to each other and the world - until death parts us.

Happy

I am happy.

The Knot tells me there are 19 days until the wedding. I've moved from being terrified by how small the numbers are getting to being really excited.

There are things yet to do, but I get the luxury of not working right now, so I have no doubt that what needs to get done will get done, and what doesn't get done won't be a big deal.

I am happy.

I've got a great roommate ;-) and it's been really easy to live together. I've spend time today putting books in my new bookshelves. There are plenty more yet to place, but it feels more and more like home.

I am happy.

I'm not working, and I am enjoying that. I know I will need to soon, but I find myself getting back to who I am rather than preoccupied with what I need to do for others. My passions are making themselves known again....and right now that's fun. I'm trying to pay attention to what gets me worked up and how I might be able to channel that energy. It's been in justice related issues, not necessarily related to church.

I am happy.

I am continuing to enjoy my new church. I spent a week helping with the 3-5 years olds in their vacation Bible school. That was great fun, particularly because I wasn't needing to be there all day. And, it was fun to see the kids respond and learn and to get to know some of them. Each time I worship, I am finding moments of unexpected grace - today at soloist that was heartbreakingly good, and incredibly humble. A couple weeks ago, a baptism where I didn't have any of my own judgements coming in (because, yes - the baptisms I'm truly excited for are the ones in which I know that the promises made by parents and sponsors and congregation will be kept...and the ones where they won't be are sometimes painful).

I have learned that for the first time since I started communing, I am part of a congregation that does not commune every week. And, I'm trying to find the grace in that as well.

I am happy.

Today, after getting my church in, Pablo and I took a long bike ride. There happened to be a community festival 1/2 a mile from our turnaround point, so we went the 1/2 mile further and enjoyed a kids' talent competition and an ice cream cone before we headed back. I would not have had the energy for a 15 mile bike ride most Sundays - or other days, frankly.

I am happy. I am reconnecting with myself and what is important to me and what I can do.

Social Security

As I began seminary 12 years ago, I remember Dorothy, the person one talked to for financial aid and such at seminary, advising to maintain residency wherever it may be, if it was at all possible. I thought she was talking about the high cost of license plates/stickers for Chicago residence. I wonder if she was also talking about the rigamarole of becoming a resident of Illinois.

Proof of birth, something that shows your written signature, proof of social security #, 2 items that show proof of residency (bills, bank statements, etc).

I'm working on those proof of residency items, I have what I need for proof of birth and written signature, but I have not had my social security card for ages. 

I'm not actually sure when I misplaced it. But, I'm positive it was before 2001.  It is 2013 and I have not been able to locate my social security card since 2001. And, I haven't needed it. Until now. 

(So, obviously, the requirements of becoming a resident of Wisconsin are a bit less strenuous.)

So, yesterday I went to the Social Security Office with my appropriate papers and identification, waited just under an hour, and was easily helped. I'll have to go back again once my name changes post-wedding, post-honeymoon, but it was relatively painless.

But, I had a good amount of time to watch and observe. I sat among quite a large crowd of people who were there for much more urgent reasons than myself. People who were on disability or needing to prove that there was one more mouth to feed. People who were likely losing money sitting there. People who were (successfully & quietly) wrangling little children in a crowd of unknown people.

I watched at the security officer - who looked rather tough - calmly quieted people as they became agitated at the wait, and then made sure to help the same people as he saw their number was about to be called. He approached the deaf woman and spoke in sign language when her number was called. He communicated with people in English and Spanish. 

I watched adult children helping elderly parents, of all different nationalities. I watched parents of newborns protective and in awe of the babes in their arms. I watched a mother of a few kids watch carefully as her older (about 5 or 6 year old) son needed to use the bathroom - she sent him there, calling out to be sure he locked himself in. 

I was reminded, yet again, of the many hoops poor people have to go through to receive aid. I was reminded of the privilege that comes with having a job that is salaried, of having easy access to transportation, of being white. Perhaps there are some people that try to cheat the system...I know there are among the wealthy. But I wish people who believe our country is headed toward socialism (and think it's a bad thing) could talk to the people that were sitting in that room and hear why they were there.

Moving Slowly

Since my condo was put on the market four months ago, I have been slowly moving things to P's home. But tomorrow is the big move. Due to the number of times that we've gone back and forth to each other's homes, there isn't too much left - mostly just the big stuff. And, we've got some wonderful friends who are going to help us at each end.

I'm practicing calling P's home, "our home" - but it sometimes comes out "the house." P is working on clearing out things/making space and I'm working on integrating my things into what is already here. It helps that there have been many spaces that have remained empty - or barely filled.

However, in some spaces we're going to have to pull everything out and start over - especially in the kitchen once we also incorporate all of our wedding gifts. But, that will have to wait until after the wedding - and we are already dreaming of the garage sale we'll have next year once we've figured out all the things that we're really doubled up on and/or no longer need.

I unpacked my dry goods and spices yesterday and did my best to "marry" items like flour and sugar and find homes for the many spices that we have. We will have to figure out a better organizational system for those, but they all fit in the cabinet - messily so, for the time being.

I recognize that two people coming together with their baggage - literally and figuratively- is work. I know that creating a home will take more than moving all of my stuff in - but the work that goes into managing a home - paying bills, cleaning the crevices, making decisions on decor - will all come with time and make "the house" into "our home."

The End...Until the Sequal

5:45am, Sunday, June 30, 2013.

My last day as a pastor for the unforeseen future.
I'm up, drinking my coffee, knowing I need to get going, thinking about what is to be done today.

I am saying goodbye to a congregation and a call that has been fantastic and challenging - that has made me question what I am supposed to be doing....but any call would have done that - that has fostered me in what has turned out to be a transition time in my life.

I am saying goodbye today to some wonderful people. Some who give so much of themselves to issues of justice. Some who are so passionate about education. Some who are always thinking about the next kind thing they can do. I am going to miss many individuals. It is hard to say goodbye.

But, what I am also saying goodbye to is the identity of pastor - at least for a little while. And, I'm not sure how that is going to be.

I'm looking forward to being able to put my phone on silent for the evening. I'm really excited about becoming a part of a congregation without having to have any answers or to lead anything (for a while at least). I'm feeling a sense of freedom at having evenings and weekends as my own. I'm excited to take a class regularly because I can have a regular evening available. I'm interested to see how I might engage in further community issues with a little more time on my hands.

But, I wonder where and when I'll have theological conversations and opportunities to study the texts with others (whether other clergy or lay). I wonder what it will be like to not say, "The body of Christ, given for you," looking people in the eye every Sunday morning. I worry that I might never find another kind of work that fulfills me in this way (although, I have never tried). I wonder what I will miss the most: preaching, leading worship, getting to hear challenges of people's lives and talk with them about where God is, home communion visits, teaching Confirmation, working with faithful people dedicated to the message of Jesus Christ.

6:00 am, Sunday, June 30th, 2013. It's time for me to get in the shower. The beginning of what feels to be a momentous day in my life.