A Week Like Job's

A couple weeks ago I read in my Facebook memories a post I made requesting for a calm week or year or two. I had just bought a condo, had a major stomach flu, rehabbed some of the condo, totaled a car (within a couple of days) and had the ups and downs of the colleague I had switched jobs to work with be up for election for a higher up position he did not get called into. It was a lot. There may have been more - but that does not stick with me. Except, as I think back, I also made a blog post here.

That was in 2009. It is 2022, and so maybe it's just a cyclical pattern - like a comet or hormones - that it seems like anything that can challenge me, will.

We've known our youngest child has behaved differently than we have known how to manage. And, that he responds differently than we expect. His feelings and ways he presents them to us are true, but he does not want anyone else to see them. He has often been incredibly difficult to discipline or motivate or coach or get to put his shoes on or get ready for bed. And bedtimes have been incredibly difficult. We have appointments scheduled for neuro-psychiatric testing, but they aren't until February. However, Monday night was very traumatic for Pablo, our child and myself, as our son's fight at bedtime elevated into something we hadn't experienced before. He fell asleep eventually, but it meant that Pablo and I spent time afterwards sending messages to his Pediatrician and School Social Worker and talking about what else to do.

That upheaval continued through the week - including into his birthday on Wednesday. But, it also saw some tremendous support. We had his well-visit with the pediatrician on Thursday anyway - and the doctor submitted an urgent child psychiatrist request. We're supposed to hear from that person in 2 business days. I hope to hear from her tomorrow (which will be a Monday) for an intake conversation. The pediatrician wondered aloud about Oppositional Defiant Disorder. That seems scary - but at this point the benefit of any diagnoses would be to have a specific strategy rather than just flailing around for some method of how to respond. 

His School Social Worker sent some links, the advice to contact the pediatrician and then she became a fly on the wall in his classroom. On Friday she ended up talking with his classroom teacher and they agreed that he has not shown any signs of ODD (I filled her in on the pediatrician's wondering), but they would keep an eye on it. The social worker also was so incredibly supportive (his classroom teacher has been as well with other things before this). 

And, I have leaned on some friends who themselves have had children with various emotional/behavioral challenges. Or, just friends who love me. I have been blessed by them and their responses. 

But, while this is the biggest and most life-shaping aspect of my Job-like-week, it's not the only thing. Also, I broke my glasses. I had an allergic reaction (probably due to something I ate a Christmas party on Thursday) that made my eye swell up....it is still swollen because I was trying to treat it with Benadryl. I did a teleDoc appointment last night and will have some steroid prescriptions once the pharmacy opens this morning. 

Then, apparently, when I filled up my car with gas on Thursday I didn't tighten the gas cap enough. So, Saturday as I drove out of our neighborhood, the car seized up and 4-5 warning lights went on. I pulled into a parking lot, called Pablo and we decided I would drive home before turning it off and turning it back on again. Then we looked into things in the manual and online - saw the note about the gas cap - tightened it and decided to go run errands anyway. After the first set of errands, lights were still all present and warning. But, after the second set of errands, they went off. Phew! 

I know there are many other things that could go wrong. But, this has been a hard week. There is a lot of unknown about how to best help my kid. There is a lot of details to handle to take care of each person in my family through this turmoil...that may be life-long....or just a season - we do not know. 

At some point this week I said to Pablo, "I can't handle anymore." And that was before my glasses broke, my car seized and my eye swelled up. Hah. Well, I am ready for no more drama again. That's probably not going to happen. But, I am giving thanks for those who are blessings to me in the midst of this drama. 

Quips With Substance

Interspersed with the pew pews of Star Wars play, and episodes of tantrums, David (who is 5) is able to succinctly name truths of the world. A few days ago it was, "But, I just want to do what I  want without consequences!" And earlier this Spring, as he was explaining that he does not believe in the Easter Bunny, but his older brother (who I think continues to) was arguing with him said, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. What really matters is the Jesus came back to life."

He can be particularly defiant and strong headed and persistent. And, he is precocious - thinking he should be able to give us consequences when he doesn't like what we have done. Somehow he has decided that a consequence he can issue to me is that I will no longer "be married to Daddy" and that I have to leave the house for 5 days...except to take care of him when Pablo is working. He also sends me to my room for 5 hours at a time. I'm regularly tempted to take him up on it.

I want my big thinking, passionate little one to maintain both of those qualities. At preschool he has seemed to figure out how to navigate following rules and instructions from the teacher - in fact, much like his brother he says he "doesn't like" the kids who don't follow the rules. As he moves into kindergarten this year, I look forward to him learning more about how to operate within the structure of school and I wonder how that will impact his life outside of school. 

Whose Little Brown Boys

When Michael Brown was killed by police in Ferguson, MO I was entering my third trimester with my first beloved brown little boy. 

Closer to home in Chicago, and only a couple months later, Laquan McDonald was shot in the back while walking away from police. Less than a month later, I would welcome my (first) sweet little one into the world.

Yesterday, footage was released of the police murder of Adam Toledo, a 13-year old boy who was turning around with his hands up when a Chicago police officer shot him in the chest. As with other moments of police murder and brutality, I am NOT going to watch the video that was released, but I believe that, as I heard someone comment on NPR today, Adam did everything he was told. And he was killed.

Adam Toledo was only 7 years older than my oldest child. 

My kids are learning about racism, but I have yet to have the conversation with either one of them that they might be the recipients of racism, of the engrained disparity created by white supremacy, of police brutality. 

They are cushioned, somewhat, by wealth. They will have more privilege and safety than many. But, I know I'm unable to fully protect them from micro aggressions, let alone larger repercussions of white supremacy. 

Right now, I am feeling more sadness than fear. More despair at our country and the racist systems that continue to perpetrate violence upon black and brown people than worry about what my children will experience. 

But the shadow of what my children might experience certainly weighs heavily.

I'm a Joiner

Part of figuring out what I want to do with my energy and time is that it seems like there are a lot of little things that can add up quickly.

Pablo and I have very different ideas of how a person is involved in community - perhaps to the extreme. Or, maybe rather, I'm the extreme one and Pablo is how everyone else is. My natural urge is to step in and help out in whatever is needed. To be part of whatever work seems to be needed - even if no one else has said it's something to be needed. Pablo will be involved in some things if asked, but when we talk about whether I'm going to do something he will say that he just doesn't have the same compulsion as I do.

While this stepping into community tasks has meant I've gotten to be part of some interesting things - and sometimes discovered that which I'm definitely not good at - it has also meant in recent years that my saying yes impacts my family. As the main family calendar keeper, I also have to figure out how things get covered when I'm busy working on other things. 

This was the case when I was working too - and sometimes I felt I had to negotiate when I would fit in time to do my work. We would figure out some givens - like that Pablo would do something with the kids every Saturday morning and he was in charge of everything on Sunday mornings - but since my job wasn't something that was just clocking in and clocking out - but creating something that sometimes came easily and other times didn't, as well as responding to other people's needs - I often felt like I was carving out time to do things for work when other people would be using that time for exercise or rest.

But, back to my compulsion to join into community tasks: I've also recently decided that I don't want to be a complainer, but if I have a complaint think about how I can contribute to a more positive outcome. So, this moves me to be more involved. I was frustrated that our neighborhood was doing events geared for teenagers and older. I realized that this was merely a friend group that was doing things and inviting others. They weren't cruise captains needing to tend to everyone's interests. So, a friend and I put together an event for younger kids - and we'll do more too, I'm sure. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether I should say yes to being on my congregation's call committee. I have some big opinions, and am not sure how much I want to put them out there - or have them be involved in this process. I need to decide quite soon...but either way, the things I've had strong opinions about (some things I would name as complaints) could be addressed if I am involved. Or, at least my point of view would be heard. 

Because, finally,  I'm glad that I get to do some of these other little things outside of house and home. I miss working with other people on things, and this gives me a little taste. I miss having my voice listened to (because my kids really aren't) and creating together - where ideas grow and things are better because everyone had input. And, I miss seeing where I make my mark.

My Something Larger

I'm reading the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle and am definitely identifying with a lot of it. While I'm currently experiencing some of what is discussed, I'm more able to see the symptoms of burnout from my time being both parent and pastor. 

There is a lot I could reflect on as I'm reading, and in fact I've downloaded the audiobook worksheets - since I'm reading a library book on my kindle. I might try to fill the out at sometime. The piece I am most interested in figuring out is what my "Something Larger" is. That thing that gives my life meaning. 

A big something larger is raising my kids. Obviously nothing to dismiss and certainly something that I have put other things on hold for - happily. And yet, I think there is something else brewing. Sometimes it feels like a lot of little things. Sometimes it feels like it's maybe not something that I'll ever do for a career. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm unrealistic in what I hope to be able to do. Sometimes I wonder if I have the energy and the nerve to truly figure out what that Something Larger is and do something about it.

I have a sense my Something Larger has to do with issues of justice. With creating community that is accessible and life-giving for all. Possibly something about anti-racism. Possibly something about justice for women. I have senses, but it seems so unclear.

I'm only about ½ way through the book. Maybe it will offer further clarity in discovering my Something Larger. Maybe working through the worksheets will help. 

To be honest, I'm not sure I really want to know yet what that is. I do, but then am I going to want to charge ahead - to make things happen - to lead, as I often find myself doing? As I'm writing this, Gabriel has come in after his bath, ready for me to help him put his pajamas on, wanting to do his "writing" which is a page on my computer that he types random letters on, although some are becoming more word-like as he continues kindergarten. I am conscious that I want to keep focusing on this Something Larger of raising my kids at least until David's more involved in school. But, I wonder about whether I should be preparing because that's only a year and a half away.

So often in life my things have come to me - sometimes because I was working towards them, but often without me having to do too much soul searching. I'm not sure I want the next chapter to come so easily - or rather - to be defined by others quite so much. I want to steer it. 

But, I have to have a bit more of an understanding of what "it" is before I do that.

February's Resolution Begins

As we ease into February, my monthly resolution switches from writing frequently to logging my food intake. More than anything I just want to be more mindful of what I'm putting into my mouth. Today, on day 1, I stopped myself from eating oreos, chips, and a 3rd rice krispie treat (after the 2 I ate) when I didn't really even want food - I just wanted sugar or salt or to be chewing something. 

It's 7:45, and to be honest, the hardest time for me is from when I start cooking supper until I'm upstairs for the night. And, when I have a drink I'm even less likely to stop myself from indulging in sweets and salty unnecessary treats. So, the logging of food is not even so much to keep to a particular calorie count, although the app I use does do that. But more so to be more mindful of what I'm putting in my body.

SNOW!

We have had so much snow in the last week and I love it! Today we shoveled about a foot, and while I'm a little achy, I look forward to shoveling again tomorrow. 

There is something more fun about snow with the kids too. We're sledding down snow piles in our yard. Digging trenches and building walls to protect from snowball fights. We built two snowmen today - as target practice for the snowballs. Even just tromping through the snow is more fun. And, there is a lot of laughter.

I'm guessing I will continue to have fun in the snow my whole life, but there is really something special about the joy of snow with young kids.